Sports Hell, Part I: The Incontinent

Like we mentioned earlier, we’re taking a trip to sports hell this week. We welcome your suggestions.

The first five circles are dedicated to incontinence: sins resulting not from direct malice but from an inability to quell an urge/appetite for destruction. [Note: In Dante's version, the First Circle is Limbo, where the virtuous pagans (those who were worthy, but lived before Christianity or didn't have a chance to be baptized) dwell in Elysium. We're skipping that and starting with the Second Circle.]

The Second Circle: The Lustful: those who sinned “within the flesh, subjecting reason to the rule of lust.”

• Stephon Marbury: He who loves to kiss and feel his sister’s body.
• Mike Cooper (right): Everyone’s favorite library-masturbator.
• Eddie Griffin: A word of advice to young drivers–don’t drive while watching porn in your Escalade; it’ll only lead to trouble.
• Matt Leinart: Already a deadbeat dad and Paris Hilton sidekick, just wait until he gets a second year in the NFL under his belt.
• Bill Belichick: Keep married women away from him.
• Fred Smoot: Three magical, magical words: Vikings Love Boat.

Bay Area Reps:

• Byron Houston: The former Warrior just pulled over on the side of the road during rush hour to give lil’ Byron some attention.
• Wilt Chamberlain: The king of all womanizers, the San Francisco Warriors great is reputed to have bagged over 20,000 women during his lifetime.

Welcome To Sports Hell

One of our favorite literary works of all-time is Dante’s Divine Comedy. For those of you unfamiliar with it, the basic plot goes as such: Dante travels through hell, purgatory and heaven. Each otherworldly realm is highly organized based upon the sins/virtues of a soul’s life and along the way, Dante encounters characters from his present day, from history and from myth, each placed in a section of the afterlife based on Dante’s judgment. For example, Dido, who famously killed herself after her beloved Aeneas left her, is with the suicides of the Seventh Circle.

You see where we’re going with this.

Modern times–and these here “blogs”–have afforded sports fans everywhere the luxury of being privy to the often humorous, sometimes sad and nearly always entertaining lifestyles of athletes. So, over the next day or so, with Dante’s Inferno as our guide, we’re going to be taking a trip through sports hell, placing the most notorious sports figures of today–and maybe some from yesteryear–in the various circles of medieval hell.

Here’s the rundown of the nine circles. Feel free to submit nominations.

1. Limbo

2. The Lustful

3. The Gluttonous

4. The Prodigal and Avaricious

5. The Wrathful and Slothful

6. The Heretics

7. The Violent

8. The Fraudulent

9. The Traitors

Suffice to say, the sporting world will be well-represented. From Michael Vick and Barry Bonds to Lou Seal and the Rally Monkey, we ain’t even bullshitting. We hope you like it.

The Sharks Logo: Now With Goldenrod Eyes!

From the official Sharks site: “We put a lot of research into this and feel the fans will thoroughly appreciate the updated logo and new marks,” said [Sharks President and CEO Greg] Jamison. “The players were heavily involved in the process and they are extremely happy with the outcome.”

It’s like the original logo is a normal shark and the new logo is one of the super-sharks from Deep Blue Sea starring LL Cool J.

What?

Barry’s Ex-Mistress To Reveal A Lot In Playboy

Kimberly Bell, Barry Bonds’ onetime mistress and the woman in the middle of the feds’ perjury investigation, will appear nude in the November issue of Playboy. The issue will hit newsstands on October 1st, and the accompanying article will reportedly unearth many juicy details of Bell’s affair with the Giants slugger.

In 2005, Bell’s testimony in front of the grand jury revealed that Bonds told her that he used steroids dating back to 2000, in response to the McGwire home run chase of 1998. Bell also testified about her 10-year affair with Bonds during the grand jury, but her decision to reveal all (literally and figuratively) might actually help Bonds escape perjury charges:

Bell’s appearance in the magazine can’t help the government’s case against her former lover.

Defense lawyers are widely expected to argue that Bell was a woman scorned because of Bonds’ decision to marry another woman during their relationship. Her appearance on Playboy may only add fuel to the defense’s case.

Bell said the photo shoot boosted her confidence. She declined to say how much Playboy was paying her.

“If I had more self-esteem when I was younger,” she said, “I wouldn’t have been caught up with such a rotten man.”

She totally doesn’t sound bitter. Or scorned. Or rife with malicious intent. Sigh.

Well, at least you now have an excuse to read the articles.

Bonds ex-mistress to discuss relationship, appear nude in Playboy [SFGate]

Your NFL West Preview

We were going to start rolling out our own NFL preview within the next couple months, but now we don’t really see the point.

The 49ers will be a good young team because they are a good young team.

The Seahawks will win the wild card because they are experienced.

The Rams will finish third because they will be distracted.

The Cardinals have a second year quarterback so they will finish last.

Don’t ever leave us, Kige. We can’t quit you.

Giants Fans, Would You Give Back The 2002 World Series?

With all this talk about the NBA ref betting hoopla and how it may have affected the outcome of the Spurs-Suns 2007 playoff series, we couldn’t help but make the leap to baseball’s steroid crisis. To be sure, there are some key and obvious differences, but for the sake of argument, both scandals broke the sacred trust between the sport and the fan: the fact that the games (and their outcomes), for one reason or another, weren’t legitimate.

In this day and age, given Barry Bonds’ cringing home run chase and the Giants’ own struggles, there presumably aren’t many true baseball fans who don’t want to see performance-enhancing drugs abolished from the game. But in the same way that Suns fans are upset about this year’s playoffs, should the Giants’ own steroid-spurred (no pun intended) success run from 2001-2004 (or thereabouts) ignite ire in their National League foes?

Because of the BALCO case, a home run chase and a looming grand jury indictment (gulp!), the Giants have been at the epicenter of the steroid crisis, and have had many a non-Bondsian player under suspicion. In no other season is this more evident than the epic 2002 run to the World Series. Take a look at that year’s lineup.

C: Benito Santiago: implicated in BALCO case; had a career year in 2002 (All-Star)

1B: JT Snow

2B: Jeff Kent

SS: Rich Aurilia: heavy suspicions; (home run tallies from 1998-2004: 9, 22, 20, 37, 15, 13, 6)

3B: David Bell: implicated in HGH investigation

LF: Barry Bonds: … um, yeah.

CF: Marvin Benard: implicated in BALCO case (note: Lofton picked up at trading deadline, Shinjo platooned with Benard.)

RF: Reggie Sanders

P: Jason Schmidt: heavy suspicions abound after noticeable 5-8 MPH drop in velocity after steroid testing; had career year in 2002

So, six of the nine regulars have some type of link (granted, some are more speculative than others) to performance-enhancing drugs, which leads us to this question:

If you could eliminate steroids from the game, would you have given up that magical, memorable playoff run?

That season may have been the finest moment in recent Giants history. Bonds was must-see television. Schmidt was the most dominating pitcher in the league. Snow, Kent, Aurilia and Bell put together a scrappy infield. Kirk Rueter and Livan rounded out a lovable pitching staff. That was also the year that the great Robb Nen sacrificed his arm/career for the team. So Rally Monkey mental anguish aside …

Would you give back the 2002 World Series?

Boom! … “Uh-Oh”

A half-ton of dynamite + a host of dumb people + immovable rotting whale carcass = the best two and a half minutes of your day week.

Guaranteed.

For more dead whale news, check out this article on how the Taiwanese handled the exact same problem. Say Hey–your dead whale news center!

[Video via Kissing Suzy Kolber]

Giants Roundup: On To Milwaukee!

• Mr. Bonds remained confounding as ever, hitting two mammoth homeruns last night, putting him just two behind Hank Aaron as the Gigantes head up to Milwaukee (of all places), where Bonds won’t be the biggest dick in the park (see above). Don’t worry though; with the help of three errors, the Bad News Bears Giants still managed to lose. [ESPN]
• Jay Mariotti, always the opinionated one, wrote a decent column about the “creep of all creeps” turning “baseball history into a funeral procession.” [Chicago Sun-Times]
• Gavin Newsom announced that a special Barry Bonds flag will adorn City Hall as the slugger nears the record. Newsom had this to say on the matter: “I think I speak for all San Franciscans when I say, ‘Go Barry.’” Fabulous, Gav. Just fabulous. Thanks for speaking for us. No, really. [SFGate]
• According to Jayson Stark’s Rumblings and Grumblings, Matt Morris’ trade value is plummetting faster than the Darfur real estate market. Says Stark: “But in five starts since [being 7-3, 2.56 after 13 starts], Morris is 0-2 with an 8.13 ERA — the highest ERA of any NL starter who can match his innings pitched. So it’s obvious, says one scout, that ‘the wheels are starting to come off a little bit.’ But for teams in a big ballpark (Dodgers, Padres, Braves, Mariners, etc.), he might still be a fit. At least, said an official of one club with a laugh, ‘He’s one of the best of the worst.’” [ESPN]
• Also worth noting in the above Stark article: the possibility that both Bonds and A-Rod might be Angels next year.
• Eric Byrnes will most likely become a free agent at year’s end. Can the Giants please please sign him during this go-around? That’s it. We’re starting the “Bring Byrnesy Bayside” Movement. [The FanHouse]
• You’ve probably heard by now, but during the All-Star festivities, the SFPD made 131 arrests related to prostitution and child exploitation. [With Leather]
• Shockingly, the Brewers say they won’t treat Bonds differently. They’ll throw three righties (Jeff Suppan, Dave Bush and Claudio Vargas) at the Giants. If you ask us, Claudio Vargas seems like the perfect name to be in the record books next to 755. It’s just got that ring to it. [ESPN]

Nostalgia: Whatever Happened To … Mike Gallego?

Mike Gallego was the starting second baseman on the great A’s teams of the late 80s and early 90s. The UCLA product was the perfect supporting cast member to the Oakland superstars (the McGwires, Cansecos, Hendersons, etc), playing excellent defense while doing his job at the plate. He even led the league in sacrifices in 1990.

Gallego could–and did–play all infield positions, but LaRussa mainly kept him at second base. After the 1991 season, he signed with the Yankees as a free agent, only to reunite with the A’s in 1995. He then finished his career with the ’97 St. Louis Cardinals, capping off a 13-year career. Not bad for a 5’8″, 160-lb kid who hit .239.

Soon thereafter, Gallego became a coach in the Colorado Rockies organization. Now in his seventh year with the club, he is currently the Rockies’ bench coach and infield instructor. He and his family reside in Yorba Linda, California.

Also, his birthday is on Halloween.

Mike Gallego [Rockies Official Site]

Clip Of The Day: Big Wheels! Marvin Benard’s Whereabouts Finally Unearthed!

We hope you enjoy this video of a Big Wheels race down Lombard Street. Don’t lie; you know you’ve always wanted to try it yourself.

In many ways, this is the perfect metaphor for both Bay Area teams’ 2007 seasons, rife with twists and turns that everyone saw coming: Rich Harden injured. Milton Bradley a menace. Barry Bonds old. Barry Zito overpaid. Mike Piazza useless. Armando Benitez awful.

Also, it’s all downhill.

Definitely Asking For Trouble

We just had to pass this along from our buddies at 100% Injury Rate, who discovered that the Giants are currently running an interesting contest on their official website that can’t possibly go awry:

Would you sit in the Press Box during the game? Or operate the out-of-town scoreboard for a day? Just tell us your idea to enhance your experience at AT&T Park and fill out the fields below to enter for your chance to be one of the lucky winners who will have their once-in-a-lifetime Giants wishes fulfilled during the 2007 season.

Hmm, let’s see here … how to enhance the Pac Bell experience? Hmmm … What to change? What to change?

Hey, you know, there might be a few problems with the current personnel of the team.

(These guys probably agree.)

Your SF Giants [Official Site]

I think the SF Giants are seriously asking for it [100%]

The Zito Apologist: Second Half MVP? Cy Young?

Dear Bay Area Fans,

Seven innings. Two runs. Zero walks. 81 strikes, 109 pitches.

“That’s how I pitch when I am who I am.”

With yesterday’s dominating victory over the red-hot Chicago Cubs (despite the best efforts of the Giants’ anemic bats), we feel completely comfortable saying that Barry Zito will have an outstanding bounceback second half. His record currently stands at 7-9; we predict 16 wins.

Here’s to launching the Zito Re-Bandwagon. Get excited. Is it possible to have the best starting pitching in the league but still be the worst team in the league? We’re about to find out.

Sincerely,
The Zito Apologist

P.S. The Giants are currently getting slammed by the Cubbies. Matt Cain is the new Barry Zito. And Barry Zito is the new Matt Cain.

Baron, Rockin’ The Seersucka Suit

For one night, Baron was not sucka-free (sorry).

In any event, Baron represented the Bay at last week’s ESPYs and the always sharp point guard put together quite the ensemble. With Leather described his outfit as “Hamptons Hobo.” Other ideas include “Burlingame Bum,” “Haute Tenderloin” and our personal (nonsensical) favorite, “The Sausalito Sailor Surprise.”

Thanks to the always fashion-conscious WL for the photo. The best part is clearly the red handkerchief.

The Moment You’ve All Been Waiting For

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

Waiiiitttt …

The San Jose Earthquakes of the Major League Soccer, um, league will return to the Bay Area in 2008!

Unfortunately for you six Earthquakes fans (we kid, we kid), the reincarnation of the team will be an expansion team, not a return of the previous version, which is currently winning championships in Houston under the alias “Dynamo.”

As we are wont to do with most soccer issues, we consulted our resident soccer gazeteer/avid goal scorer Brendan McCarthy on the matter. Here’s what he had to say:

It will be difficult, as we don’t get back our championship team (see: Houston Dynamo), we have no stadium built yet, and the league has improved since our last go-around. But the Oakland A’s owner is driving it (good or bad?), and there is an interesting idea around that the team could “float” around the area playing in different venues for different type games, including Kezar for a small game, etc. I personally think it’s rad (yes i did) that an MLS team could play at Kezar one game and the Coliseum the next. Should build a bigger base for the franchise. Go Quakes!

There you have it. We must admit that there is no venue in the city that gives you that “old school San Francisco” feeling like Kezar. If only the Niners would play one game a season there. That would be fun.

Anyway, now that David Beckham is playing in LA, soccer will totally be popular by 2008.

Soccer aftershock: Quakes coming back [SFGate]

Giants Roundup: Worst. Train Wreck. Ever.

As you might be able to tell, ever since the Dodgers swept the Giants this weekend (giving them 11 wins in a row at Pac Bell), we’ve been kind of avoiding discussing the slow torture that is your 2007 Giants, which is odd because usually train wrecks are fascinating and completely watchable. In any event, here’s the Giants news, divided into two distinct halves, because if you’re anything like us, you have days where you’re tired of the Bonds coverage.

Bondsian Section:

• Barry Bonds has not started in any of the ESPN-televised games this season. Coincidence? [Epic Carnival]
• Jesse Jackson and Barry Bonds prayed together. Oddly enough, they both asked God for Apple iPhones. [SFGate]
• When it comes to lady companions, Derek Jeter is jealous of Barry Bonds? As Jessica Alba, Mariah Carey and Jessica Biel as evidence, we’re gonna go with a simple “no.” [NY Daily News, via The Big Lead]
• Those screweverybody.com idiots are getting more press. Someone light Bill Simmons on fire. [SFGate]

Non-Bondsian Section:

• Here’s a must-read profile on Tim Lincecum. [Washington Post, via McCovey Chronicles]
• What’s left to look forward to this year? We’ve got Omar’s defense, the aforementioned Lincecum and Bengie Molina running out a triple on our list so far. [The Splash]
• Finally, a Sabean plan that makes sense: sign Julio Franco. What better way to celebrate Sabes’ new well-earned extension? [Brahsome]
• Matt Morris, on the trade block. [McCovey Chronicles]
• Jennie Finch is smart. That is all. [Doberman On The Diamond, via 100% Injury Rate]
• Fear not Giants fans, Barry Zito is totally going to have a great bounceback half. Starting … tonight! [Official Site]