Inmate Sues Barry Bonds, Bud Selig And Hank Aaron’s Bat

The above legal document–which comes to us via The Smoking Gun–is the August 13th federal lawsuit filed by Jonathan Lee Riches in the U.S. District Court in Indiana. Some of you may remember Riches from his earlier lawsuit against Michael Vick, in which he sued the troubled Falcon for $63 billion (and claimed that Vick stole his pit bulls, sold them on eBay and bought missiles from Iran with the dough).

The entire four-page document is hand-written because Riches is not allowed to have a typewriter in his South Carolina prison.

Before we present it in all its glory (it’s a must-read), here are some of our favorite gems from the actual lawsuit (spelling mistakes abound):

• “Plaintiff seeks 42,000,000.00 million dollars in Swiss Francs, certified money order to the B.O.P. lockbox in Des Moines Iowa collectively from defendents.”
• “Mr. Selig on 2 occations (Dec. 10th 2001, Feb 6th, 2003) met Mr. Bonds at the I-70 Steak N Shake, Booth #11, made an under the table cream exchange, needles, HGH…”
• “Barry Bonds uses Hank Aaron’s corked bat during ballgames. The Bat has a secret chambers where barry stores his HGH supplements. Bonds takes them while he awaits in the batters Box. Bonds Left a voice mail message on my I-phone, made threats towards me.”
• “Barry Bonds is responsible for getting me federally indicted in Houston Texas case #H-03-90, because I threatned to expose his and Bud Selig’s steroid/cocaine ABUSE.”
• “I also witnessed Mr. Bonds selling steroids to nuns.”
• “Mr. Bonds gave mustard gas to Saddam Hussein. Part of the oil for food scandal.”

The entire treat, post-jump.

Oh My: Leave Barry Bonds A Voicemail

Barry Bonds wants your congratulations.

Back on Tuesday night, didn’t you wish you could congratulate Barry Bonds on his record-breaking home run? Well, now you can. In a promotion on Bonds’ official website, you can leave him a voicemail by calling 866-281-4117.

So … we did it.

“Thanks for calling BarryBonds.com where you can leave your personal message for Barry. After you do, we’ll send a text message with what you said, a note from Barry and a password so you can access your note on the web. Is that ok?”

And then we hung up.

Just like Bud Selig.

And then we got this text message: “From Barry Bonds: Thank you for your support and for this message.”

Just like Bud Selig.

Congratulate Barry [BarryBonds.com, via Sports By Brooks]

Giants Roundup: We Welcome Our Joel Hanrahan Overlords

• In the latest episode of the Giants’ inoffensive offense, our heroes managed one run off Joel Hanrahan. Dave Roberts left in the first inning with “a shin injury.” That is all. [ESPN]
• Hank Aaron finally speaks. [ESPN]
• So does the kid who caught the ball. And he just might keep it. [SI]
• Head-scratcher of the day: Mark Sweeney to the Dodgers for a player to be named later (or cash). It’s the first trade in 22 years between the rivals and undoubtedly sets up the Dodgers’ bench for a World Series run this year. [SFGate]
• Or maybe the trade was a reward for nice-guy Sweeney. [El Lefty Malo]
• Trivia question: without looking at the article, can you name the last two players involved in a Giants-Dodgers trade?
• Tim Kawakami interviews Brian Sabean, who blames himself for the mess called your 2007 San Francisco Giants. [SJ Mercury News, via McCovey Chronicles]
• Jason Ellison continues to steal Barry Bonds’ spotlight. [McCovey Chronicles]
• Barry Bonds’ helmet: bulbous and in the Hall. [SFist]
• Barry-san is still 111 behind the real home run champ, Sadaharu Oh. [Deuce of Davenport]
• Barry Bonds is the epitome of “a society looking for an edge.” [LA Times]
• The Pittsburgh Pirates will pay tribute to Bonds when the two teams go to PNC for a doubleheader on Monday after a trio at Pac Bell. [The FanHouse]
• The Sun explains when Moneyball stops working. We think Giants fans and Barry Estes might have a few timetables. [NY Sun]
• Even better, Giants-hater Matt Morris (”I’m excited about getting back to the NL Central and getting some better defense and some young guys out there who are looking to play hard”) gets the ball tonight.
• Trivia answer: Candy Maldonado and Alex Trevino.

Clip Of The Day: Don’t Ask Dale Murphy If He Wants Some HGH

A day after his inflammatory comments about Barry Bonds, steroid use and baseball, Dale Murphy appeared on KRON with your favorite KRON sports guy and ours, Gary Radnich.

In cased you missed it earlier this week, here’s just part of what Murphy had to say about Bonds and 756:

“He’s deserved all the negative publicity that he’s getting. I mean, people are calling up and complaining, I’ve heard the last few weeks, that that he’s being treated unfairly. You know, life just usually isn’t like that. You don’t usually get treated unfairly. You usually get what you deserve. This is what Barry deserves. He’s a hard guy to like. He’s a hard teammate to have and, you know, he’s set a terrible example for our kids.”

Like Radnich points out, Murphy should be applauded for speaking against “the boys’ club,” regardless whether or not you agree with his take on the situation.

Even more importantly, Murphy is actually doing something about the steroid problem in sports. He started the iWon’tCheat! foundation to try to combat the troubling fact that one million high school athletes used steroids last year. Bravo, Mr. Murphy.

iWon’tCheat! [Official Site]

Dale Murphy On Bonds: ‘A Terrible Example for Our Kids’ [The FanHouse]

Well, That’s That

No more “Bonds is up 7th next inning” updates.

No more Bud Selig appearances.

No more Pedro Gomez.

No more Erin Andrews.

Now sans distractions, the Giants can go on to win the division.

[Photo courtesy: SFGate/Lance Iversen]

An Open Letter To Allan Huber “Bud” Selig

Dear Commissioner Selig,

We don’t “get” you.

Much like you, we consider ourselves to be a fan of the game, even a baseball purist if you will. Also like you, we are not thrilled by the way the record is being broken.

Because of all the questions–and answers–surrounding Barry’s chase, everyone from the fan to the commissioner has been put in a difficult position. With the media hovering constantly, you’ve also been under a lot of scrutiny. We understand this, but heavens Bud, after making such a hullaballo about whether or not you would attend the game, you finally made a decision after weeks/months of indecision, diplomatically saying it’s an important day for baseball.

Ok. Good decision. A decision. Sure, it took you months to do it, but you did it. Your childhood hero Hank Aaron took a hard stance and has maintained his distance from Bonds to this day. His actions speak louder than words. Bravo to him.

But Bud, why would you go to the game and then not even stand up? And then not clap? You looked like the pouting teenager on vacation with his parents. Someone had to goad you to leave your seat! We get your point: you’re not happy with Bonds. But why go then?

Would you have clapped if Padres pitcher Clay Hensley had thrown a no-hitter? We bet you would have, despite Hensley’s steroid-laden past.

Did you clap for Tony LaRussa when he won the World Series last year, despite his past with Canseco and McGwire?

Did you clap for Pudge Rodriguez when he led Detroit to the World Series last year?

Did you clap for Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa when they saved your job after you canceled the 1994 World Series?

We wouldn’t have faulted you if you skipped the game. Hell, we would have admired your hard stance. But you didn’t even give us a stance. Your “whaaa, what happened?” reaction while sitting in your press box with your hands in your pockets was just plain silly.

And now you’re done attending Bonds games? Can this get anymore childish?

We miss Fay Vincent. At least the man knows what he thinks about Bonds.

Best,

Say Hey

Jon Lovitz: Oddly Lucid

During last night’s Giants-Dodgers athletic contest, sideline reporter extraordinaire Erin Andrews interviewed Jon Lovitz during the game. Fresh off beating up Andy Dick, Lovitz was in a candid mood and actually made a lot of sense out of this steroids mess. We’re eagerly anticipating the Youtube version of this, but for now, Bugs & Cranks has a transcription of part of Lovitz’s rant:

“All this stuff about steroids is a bunch of a crap, you know.I know about seven years ago I spoke to a major baseball player in the league, and I said, ‘How many players do you think take steroids?’

And he said ‘Forty percent.’

And I’m not saying whether he [Bonds] took ‘em or not, all I’m saying is the league totally allowed it, you know.

And anyway, whether he did it or not. You figure out of all those players — 750 — three guys hit a lot of home runs. Three.

So obviously that’s three out of 300 taking it. And that’s not the difference. So, you got to work your ass off. The guy’s just a great hitter.“

At the conclusion of the interview soliloquy, Andrews said something along the lines of “Well, that’s that” and sent it back to Berman and Morgan in the booth, where they were both rendered speechless (and we thought that was impossible).

The moral of the story: Jon Lovitz makes plenty of sense out of this Bonds fiasco. And Erin Andrews is (still) hot.

Bonds = Perfect Role Model; Jon Lovitz Makes Most Intelligent Bonds Comment Since Chris Rock’s [Bugs & Cranks]

Wake Up with Erin Andrews [Barstool Sports]

Giants Roundup: Adventures In Dodgerland Begin Tonight!

Despite the Giants’ firm grasp on last place, the Dodgers’ success, Brad Penny’s 13-1, 2.51 line, the Bonds fiasco reaching its boiling point and Ray Durham’s reluctance to return our fan letters, we are really looking forward to this three-game set. Maybe it’s because we need a break from the Dog Days of Summer. Maybe it’s because the odds say the Giants gotta beat the Dodgers sometime.

Nah, it’s just that whole Giants-Dodgers thing.

• On September 17, 1997, Barry Bonds’ now-famous “twirl home run” knocked the Dodgers out of the race and scarred them for nearly ten beautiful years. [LA Times]
• Barry might not play tonight, which would really piss off Dodger fans. [SFGate]
• On August 2nd, before the series finale, the Dodgers will hold a two-hour pregame steroid awareness clinic on the field for youngsters. Subtle AND classy, those Dodgers. [100% Injury Rate]
• What if … the Giants had moved to Tampa in ‘92? [The Sporting Orange, via Deadspin]
• We’re not the only Zito Apologists out there! [El Lefty Malo]
• Rod Beck’s family received a very warm welcome in the Bay this weekend. [ESPN]
• A-Rod isn’t exactly a lock to break the record that everyone thinks he is. But he likes strippers. So he’s got that going for himself. Which is nice. [100% Injury Rate]
• Even though the A’s and Giants appear to be in similar dire straits, Bruce Jenkins thinks Oakland is in a much, much better position. We’re inclined to agree. [SFGate]
• An open letter to Jay Mariotti, who called Giants fans “unconditionally glorifying sheep.” [McCovey Chronicles]
• On Sunday, Sports Illustrated’s Tom Verducci wrote that hitting number 756 outside of San Francisco would be a disaster. So, about that … [SI]
• Oh, and Buddy Boy will be in attendance tonight. [ESPN]
• BREAKING: Matt Morris traded to Pittsburgh for speedy centerfielder Rajai Davis. [MSNBC]

Sports Hell, Part V: The Traitors

The NBA ref betting scandal. The steroid mess. Dogfighting. It’s a terrible time to be a sports fan, so like we mentioned earlier, we’re taking a trip through sports hell, with the help of Dante.

Part I: The Lustful and The Gluttonous

Part II: The Prodigal, The Avaricious, The Wrathful and The Slothful

Part III: The Violent

Part IV: The Fraudulent

The ninth and final circle of hell enslaves the worst of the worst: the traitors. Each of the sinners in the deepest realm–and there aren’t many in the exclusive club–betrayed someone important to them. There are four sections, each progressively worse, with the nadir coming in the final section: those who betrayed benefactors. In Dante’s original, Judas (who betrayed Jesus) suffers with Brutus and Cassius (who betrayed Caesar).

Who will be our un-holy trinity?

Well, which three, ahem, big Bay Area stars betrayed their ultimate benefactor, the sport of baseball?

The Ninth Circle: The Traitors

To Kindred

• Michael Vick: PETA just got mad on behalf of canines everywhere that we lowered dogs to Michael Vick’s kindred level.
• Rae Carruth: Conspiring to kill your lady friend will get you on this list, unfortunately.
• Orenthal James Simpson: If OJ did kill his wife, here’s the circle of hell we’d put him in.

Bay Area Reps:

• The DeBartalo Family: Granted, they haven’t killed each other like the others here, but for heaven’s sake, can’t they get along? Bicker, bicker, bicker! Sue, sue, sue!

Barry’s Ex-Mistress To Reveal A Lot In Playboy

Kimberly Bell, Barry Bonds’ onetime mistress and the woman in the middle of the feds’ perjury investigation, will appear nude in the November issue of Playboy. The issue will hit newsstands on October 1st, and the accompanying article will reportedly unearth many juicy details of Bell’s affair with the Giants slugger.

In 2005, Bell’s testimony in front of the grand jury revealed that Bonds told her that he used steroids dating back to 2000, in response to the McGwire home run chase of 1998. Bell also testified about her 10-year affair with Bonds during the grand jury, but her decision to reveal all (literally and figuratively) might actually help Bonds escape perjury charges:

Bell’s appearance in the magazine can’t help the government’s case against her former lover.

Defense lawyers are widely expected to argue that Bell was a woman scorned because of Bonds’ decision to marry another woman during their relationship. Her appearance on Playboy may only add fuel to the defense’s case.

Bell said the photo shoot boosted her confidence. She declined to say how much Playboy was paying her.

“If I had more self-esteem when I was younger,” she said, “I wouldn’t have been caught up with such a rotten man.”

She totally doesn’t sound bitter. Or scorned. Or rife with malicious intent. Sigh.

Well, at least you now have an excuse to read the articles.

Bonds ex-mistress to discuss relationship, appear nude in Playboy [SFGate]

Giants Fans, Would You Give Back The 2002 World Series?

With all this talk about the NBA ref betting hoopla and how it may have affected the outcome of the Spurs-Suns 2007 playoff series, we couldn’t help but make the leap to baseball’s steroid crisis. To be sure, there are some key and obvious differences, but for the sake of argument, both scandals broke the sacred trust between the sport and the fan: the fact that the games (and their outcomes), for one reason or another, weren’t legitimate.

In this day and age, given Barry Bonds’ cringing home run chase and the Giants’ own struggles, there presumably aren’t many true baseball fans who don’t want to see performance-enhancing drugs abolished from the game. But in the same way that Suns fans are upset about this year’s playoffs, should the Giants’ own steroid-spurred (no pun intended) success run from 2001-2004 (or thereabouts) ignite ire in their National League foes?

Because of the BALCO case, a home run chase and a looming grand jury indictment (gulp!), the Giants have been at the epicenter of the steroid crisis, and have had many a non-Bondsian player under suspicion. In no other season is this more evident than the epic 2002 run to the World Series. Take a look at that year’s lineup.

C: Benito Santiago: implicated in BALCO case; had a career year in 2002 (All-Star)

1B: JT Snow

2B: Jeff Kent

SS: Rich Aurilia: heavy suspicions; (home run tallies from 1998-2004: 9, 22, 20, 37, 15, 13, 6)

3B: David Bell: implicated in HGH investigation

LF: Barry Bonds: … um, yeah.

CF: Marvin Benard: implicated in BALCO case (note: Lofton picked up at trading deadline, Shinjo platooned with Benard.)

RF: Reggie Sanders

P: Jason Schmidt: heavy suspicions abound after noticeable 5-8 MPH drop in velocity after steroid testing; had career year in 2002

So, six of the nine regulars have some type of link (granted, some are more speculative than others) to performance-enhancing drugs, which leads us to this question:

If you could eliminate steroids from the game, would you have given up that magical, memorable playoff run?

That season may have been the finest moment in recent Giants history. Bonds was must-see television. Schmidt was the most dominating pitcher in the league. Snow, Kent, Aurilia and Bell put together a scrappy infield. Kirk Rueter and Livan rounded out a lovable pitching staff. That was also the year that the great Robb Nen sacrificed his arm/career for the team. So Rally Monkey mental anguish aside …

Would you give back the 2002 World Series?

Giants Roundup: Worst. Train Wreck. Ever.

As you might be able to tell, ever since the Dodgers swept the Giants this weekend (giving them 11 wins in a row at Pac Bell), we’ve been kind of avoiding discussing the slow torture that is your 2007 Giants, which is odd because usually train wrecks are fascinating and completely watchable. In any event, here’s the Giants news, divided into two distinct halves, because if you’re anything like us, you have days where you’re tired of the Bonds coverage.

Bondsian Section:

• Barry Bonds has not started in any of the ESPN-televised games this season. Coincidence? [Epic Carnival]
• Jesse Jackson and Barry Bonds prayed together. Oddly enough, they both asked God for Apple iPhones. [SFGate]
• When it comes to lady companions, Derek Jeter is jealous of Barry Bonds? As Jessica Alba, Mariah Carey and Jessica Biel as evidence, we’re gonna go with a simple “no.” [NY Daily News, via The Big Lead]
• Those screweverybody.com idiots are getting more press. Someone light Bill Simmons on fire. [SFGate]

Non-Bondsian Section:

• Here’s a must-read profile on Tim Lincecum. [Washington Post, via McCovey Chronicles]
• What’s left to look forward to this year? We’ve got Omar’s defense, the aforementioned Lincecum and Bengie Molina running out a triple on our list so far. [The Splash]
• Finally, a Sabean plan that makes sense: sign Julio Franco. What better way to celebrate Sabes’ new well-earned extension? [Brahsome]
• Matt Morris, on the trade block. [McCovey Chronicles]
• Jennie Finch is smart. That is all. [Doberman On The Diamond, via 100% Injury Rate]
• Fear not Giants fans, Barry Zito is totally going to have a great bounceback half. Starting … tonight! [Official Site]

All-Star News Roundup

Lots of baseball news from the around the Bay today, so here’s a nice big linkdump.

• Barry Bonds is always fun when he holds press conferences while on his happy pills. There’s a plethora of gems in Scott Ostler’s article in the Chronicle today, including his take on whether making the All-Star team is vindication against critics: “No. No, not at all. Not one bit. I’m gonna have the best time of my life. I’ve had the best time in San Francisco, can’t be better, best relationships on the planet, these people I grew up with, you can’t turn my friends against me, people in this town grew up together, we’re deeper than just me and a uniform, way deeper.” Aw shucks, Barry! [SFGate]
• Bud Selig has finally said that he will attend the record-breaking game. [Deadspin]
• Lots of local boys will be front and center tonight: Dan Haren, starting pitcher for the American League squad, is very happy to be included in the party. [SFGate]
• A’s fans are thinking that they should have seen this coming. [Athletics Nation]
• Rich “the new Mark Prior”Harden isn’t so good at rehabbing. [The FanHouse]
• Barry Zito didn’t have the “best” first half possible. He “struggled” mightily. So the Giants will drop their Opening Day starter to the fifth slot in the rotation. [The FanHouse]
• Here’s the real story about that guy who ran on the field to hug Barry Bonds. Turns out he wasn’t a bum. Just a hippie! [100% Injury Rate]
• It’s kind of weird to think that tonight will be the first time that Barry Bonds and Ken Griffey Jr will share an outfield. [ESPN]
• The Giants seem to be on the short list of possible destinations for A-Rod. [NY Daily News]
• OK, kayaking in the cove was hip like five years ago. We get it. [Page 2]
• Who are the top 10 Giants of all time? [McCovey Chronicles]
• We’re starting to sense that Jerry Rice likes to stay busy. [SFGate]
• Oh, and chalk up the above video to the new phenom unearthed by Deadspin.

Bravo, Nerdy Giants Fans

So remember a couple days ago, when Barry Bonds was firmly entrenched in fourth place in the All-Star voting for outfielders, behind Ken Griffey Jr, Carlos Beltran and Alfonso Soriano?

Then, Major League Baseball announced that Bonds overtook Soriano for the third and final spot, prompting many to wonder how exactly Senor Barry managed such an improbable, last-second rally.

Well, it turns out that Bonds had some, uh, unnatural assistance:

It’s now clear Giants fans gave Bonds a performance-enhancing injection in the voting.

One group from San Jose claims to have electronically hand-delivered Bonds 600,000 deadline-beating votes. Another computer whiz says he personally added 200,000 to the Giant’s total.

There are just so many layers of humor here. It’s funny because of the angle that sees Bonds “cheating” his way somewhere, except he had nothing to do with it (orrr diiid he??). Plus, there’s the irony that Bonds–the most hated man in sports–actually won a popularity contest. Hardly anyone outside of San Francisco wants to see Bonds rewarded for his efforts.

Well done, Giants fans. Bay Area 1, Major League Baseball/Rest of America 0.

Fans admit fraud in Bonds feat [Inside Bay Area]

Who Is John Galt? … Why, Barry Bonds, Of Course.

“John Galt is Prometheus who changed his mind. After centuries of being torn by vultures in payment for having brought to men the fire of the gods, he broke his chains—and he withdrew his fire—until the day when men withdraw their vultures.”–Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

Forgive the brief foray into literature, but we swear this makes absolute perfect sense. With yesterday’s announcement that he would not partake in the Home Run Derby, Barry Bonds garnered the wrath of baseball fans, sports bloggers and the general population of the country. Many say he owes it to the fans to participate, arguing that he should put a show on for the fans who have tolerated his trials, tribulations and general mockery of the game.

Hold that thought.

In Atlas Shrugged, John Galt is a brilliant man whose innovative mind was taken advantage of by the populus; he finally decides to stop the motor of the world–and he succeeds. He, along with all the other great thinkers/industrialists/”world movers” of the country, go on strike. They disappear and go on strike because they are tired of being derided for profiting from their great minds, for succumbing to the general population’s view of morality (i.e., the money you work for should be shared, greed is not moral). John Galt does not believe in the guilt that society’s morality tells him he should have. According to Rand, “Man–every man–is an end in himself, not a means to the ends of others; he must live for his own sake … Objectivism rejects any form of altruism–the claim that morality consists in living for others or for society.”

This is what the world movers do in the book. America wants them stop doing what they do, so they do. They leave America to crumble, and it does. They basically say “screw society; they’ve looted our minds long enough.” This is Objectivism (in a nutshell).

For the last several years, the public has been calling for Bonds to quit. They want to see him gone, like Mark McGwire. So when he finally gives America what it wants (albeit with a subtle “fuck you”), America cries out that he would make the Home Run Derby much more entertaining (which he undoubtedly would) and he owes it to the fans to participate.

Bonds hopped on the steroid bangwagon because that’s what America wanted, only he did it better than anyone else. He topped the McGwires and Sosas and Brady Andersons. He provided countless ooohs and aaahs. He led the Giants to the World Series. He’s made himself millions of dollars. And what did he get for his efforts? He’s become the most villified man in sports. He’s become the face of steroids, for no other reason than he did it better than the dozens of other users. But America hates him. For the last several years, America has crucified him for being an objectivist of sorts.

So, much to the dismay of everyone, Barry is going on strike for one night.

Why should he entertain us? Why should we profit from his ability? Who is John Galt?

Why, he’s Barry Bonds.

Bonds will skip home run derby [SFGate]

Barry Bonds Owes it to Fans to Participate in the Home Run Derby [The FanHouse]