The above legal document–which comes to us via The Smoking Gun–is the August 13th federal lawsuit filed by Jonathan Lee Riches in the U.S. District Court in Indiana. Some of you may remember Riches from his earlier lawsuit against Michael Vick, in which he sued the troubled Falcon for $63 billion (and claimed that Vick stole his pit bulls, sold them on eBay and bought missiles from Iran with the dough).
The entire four-page document is hand-written because Riches is not allowed to have a typewriter in his South Carolina prison.
Before we present it in all its glory (it’s a must-read), here are some of our favorite gems from the actual lawsuit (spelling mistakes abound):
“Plaintiff seeks 42,000,000.00 million dollars in Swiss Francs, certified money order to the B.O.P. lockbox in Des Moines Iowa collectively from defendents.”
“Mr. Selig on 2 occations (Dec. 10th 2001, Feb 6th, 2003) met Mr. Bonds at the I-70 Steak N Shake, Booth #11, made an under the table cream exchange, needles, HGH…”
“Barry Bonds uses Hank Aaron’s corked bat during ballgames. The Bat has a secret chambers where barry stores his HGH supplements. Bonds takes them while he awaits in the batters Box. Bonds Left a voice mail message on my I-phone, made threats towards me.”
“Barry Bonds is responsible for getting me federally indicted in Houston Texas case #H-03-90, because I threatned to expose his and Bud Selig’s steroid/cocaine ABUSE.”
“I also witnessed Mr. Bonds selling steroids to nuns.”
“Mr. Bonds gave mustard gas to Saddam Hussein. Part of the oil for food scandal.”
The NBA ref betting scandal. The steroid mess. Dogfighting. It’s a terrible time to be a sports fan, so like we mentioned yesterday, we’re taking a trip through sports hell, with the help of Dante.
Now we’re getting to the good stuff. After skipping the heretics–everyone in the sports world thanks god already–we’re headed straight for lucky number seven. For some reason, these guys seem the scariest to us. Here come the crazies!
We hope you enjoy this video of a Big Wheels race down Lombard Street. Don’t lie; you know you’ve always wanted to try it yourself.
In many ways, this is the perfect metaphor for both Bay Area teams’ 2007 seasons, rife with twists and turns that everyone saw coming: Rich Harden injured. Milton Bradley a menace. Barry Bonds old. Barry Zito overpaid. Mike Piazza useless. Armando Benitez awful.
You remember former Warrior Byron Houston, and if you don’t, you most certainly will now.
A couple weeks ago, we did a “Whatever Happened To …” on Mr. Houston. We reminisced about his disappointing career with the Warriors, his even more disappointing career in the Phillippine Basketball Association with the Sunkist Orange Juicers and Swift Mighty Meaties, and finally, his totally unfair dismissal from a children’s basketball camp (sex offenders can’t instruct children? whaaa?).
Last night, Mr. Houston was arrested once more on an indecent exposure charge:
A woman called police around 5:45 p.m. Wednesday to report that a man was masturbating at an intersection in northwestern Oklahoma City, police Master Sgt. Gary Knight said. Officers found Houston in the driver’s seat of a vehicle with his underwear on the floorboard, and the woman positively identified him, Knight said.
Hey, what else is Byron Houston going to do at 5:45 on a Thursday evening in Oklahoma?
We’d make some other joke, but that is one scary mugshot (is that a chain around his neck or a tattoo of a chain?)
You know, we were looking for something Niners-related to satiate your thirst for football during this offseason. We thought about something Joe Montana related. Ronnie Lott is always good for some entertainment. Harris Barton could always tell a mean yarn.
But then we remembered the halcyon days when a certain young, hardworking wide receiver Terrell Owens was quickly emerging from the shadow of John Taylor and JJ Stokes as the secondary receiver to Jerry Rice. It seems so long ago, doesn’t it?
Of course, looking back, Owens eventually eclipsed Rice as the receiving star on the Niners, and no moment in time better captures the changing of the guard like the Niners’ epic first round upset over the Packers. Rice had fumbled his only catch of the game earlier on the drive. Even the announcers expected Young to go to Rice. But it was Terrell Owens.
The Warriors’ offseason needs have been well-publicized on this blog and others, and with the Detroit Pistons’ recent implosion at the hands of the Cleveland Lebrons, we’d like to propose a trade that involves bringing Rasheed Wallace to the Golden State Warriors.
From the Pistons’ point of view, consider Bill Simmons’ take on the state of the former world champions:
Clearly, they need to move Chauncey Billups and Rasheed Wallace — both of whom should have significant value to younger teams looking for one veteran to get them over the hump — then build around Hamilton (who has a team-friendly contract), Tayshaun Prince (ditto), Jason Maxiell, Amir Johnson (major sleeper), the 15th pick in the 2007 draft and whatever they can get for Billups and ‘Sheed (whether it’s young players, picks or cap space). It’s the only move.
Rasheed would give the Warriors exactly what they need. Alongside Biedrins, the Warriors would have a legit frontline. Nellie can go small if need be as well, since Rasheed can easily slide over to center, as he did this year. Rasheed is an excellent defender who can finish and can shoot the three. He would fit in perfectly.
The obvious choice to be moved is Michigan-native Jason Richardson, who can be traded straight up for ‘Sheed (salary-wise), but the Pistons are pretty set at the two and three positions, with Richard Hamilton and Tayshaun Prince signed to reasonable long-term deals. So, the main candidates become Al Harrington or a resigned Mickael Pietrus, packaged together with a Patrick O’Bryant or Monta Ellis.
A package of Pietrus and Ellis for Rasheed seems like it could benefit both teams. The Pistons get a shakeup with some much-needed youth and athleticism, while the Warriors get a big man who can defend and rebound in a system like Nellie’s.
Added bonus: oh, just think of the entertainment value of having Stephen Jackson and Rasheed Wallace on the court together for 82+ games. It’s a locker room conversation gold mine!
With all the hype that Warriors fans received during the magical Cinderella playoff run, it’s really just a shame that this video has gone national, giving Giants fans everywhere a reason to put their collective heads in their hands.
But you know, with all this trade-demand talk, it’s hard not to fantasize about the Black Mamba in Oakland.
Originally, we thought there’s absolutely no way that the Lakers would trade him, let alone to a division “rival.” However, the Clippers have frequently popped up as a possibility, as have other Western Conference teams like Dallas, Portland and Houston. Of course, it’s all speculation/fantasy at this point, but how would a deal with the Warriors look?
A (healthy) Baron/Kobe backcourt immediately becomes the best guard combo in the league and though the Warriors would be very, very thin down low, it’s an immediate and drastic upgrade.
Plus, Nellie would definitely stay for the fun of it.
And if you’re the Lakers, why not? You get a top-10 shooting guard in JRich and a versatile big man who can shoot away in Phil’s triangle offense. Odom and Walton can still do the majority of the ball distribution and Ellis gives them the athletic guard that has been missing from the Lakers since God knows when.
Thoughts?
(P.S. Until he’s in a Warrior uniform, we still officially despise Mr. Bryant)
In lieu of our normal nostalgia feature, where we give you a recap/update of a Bay Area sports personality, we’re just going to give you some fun facts about 1989 MVP, bare-handed outfielder and two-time All Star Kevin Mitchell, because we just can’t make this stuff up:
In 1982, he fought with teammate Darryl Strawberry … during a pickup basketball game.
During the final inning of Game Six 1986 Mets-Red Sox World Series (aka the Bill Buckner inning), Mitchell was in the clubhouse making plane reservations.
In 1995, Mitchell opted to play in Japan, where he became the highest paid player in Japanese history.
In 1998, he was arrested for assaulting … his father.
In 2000, while in the minors, he punched the opposing team’s owner in the mouth during a brawl and was suspended for nine games.
Mitchell’s famous gold tooth is rumored to have come after he broke his tooth eating a frozen chocolate donut.
Finally, in Dwight Gooden’s autobiography, Gooden recounts a story where Mitchell held his friends hostage and then decapitated his girlfriend’s cat with a 12-inch knife: “I was horrified by the sight: Mitch was holding the cat’s head in one hand, while the body dropped to the floor, blood pouring out from where the head once was, limbs still twitching.” … Happy Wednesday, kids.
Because it’s Friday and because random violence is just about always enjoyable, here are the ten best baseball fights of all time. Our personal favorite is the “catcher-kick” on #4.
Oh, and sorry about the music; nothing says “let’s celebrate fights!” like heavy metal. Or whatever this is.
Giants great and current Hall of Famer Orlando Cepeda, 69, was pulled over in Cordelia after being clocked at 83 mph on the freeway. Unfortunately for everyone involved, that’s not where the story ends. The CHP officer on the scene smelled marijuana in the car, which eventually led to a cornucopia of illegal … stuff:
The officer called for a K-9 unit, and the officers found marijuana, a bundle containing a white substance believed to be either methamphetamine or cocaine, and a syringe, Corrington said.
Cepeda was cooperative during the stop and showed no signs of being under the influence of alcohol or drugs at the time, authorities said. He was booked at Solano County Jail on suspicion of speeding, possession of marijuana while driving, possession of a controlled substance and possession of drug paraphernalia.
A syringe? Heavens, Orlando.
Cepeda took a $500 signing bonus from the Giants when he signed as a mere 17 year-old and started his career at Seals Stadium. The Pride of Puerto Rico was the 1973 Rookie of the Year and was elected to the Hall of Fame in 1999. He is (was?) firmly entrenched in the Giants’ pantheon, along with Mays, McCovey and Marichal.
But will someone please tell him that he’s no longer a pro athlete?
Sometimes, we give Armando Benitez a hard time, even though he’s having a stellar spring (allegedly). But the next time Big Bennie blows a save–and don’t worry, it’ll happen–be grateful that Ugueth Urbina is not the Giants’ closer.
Ugueth Urbina, a two-time All-Star closer, won the 2003 World Series as the bullpen force for the Marlins. He’s 30th on the all-time saves list.
And he’ll be in jail for the next fourteen years. Hey, that’s what happens when you get charged with attempted murder in Venezuela:
Urbina, a former pitcher with the Montreal Expos, Boston Red Sox, Detroit Tigers and Philadelphia Phillies, was also found guilty of illegal deprivation of liberty and violating a prohibition against taking justice into his own hands during a dispute over a gun on Oct. 16, 2005, according to a statement from the Attorney General’s Office.
The 33-year-old free agent was accused of joining a group of men in attacking and injuring workers with machetes and pouring gasoline on them at his family’s ranch, located about 25 miles south of Caracas.
Urbina’s “alibi”? He was “sleeping at the time.” Note to Ugueth: think of better alibi next time you attack people with gasoline and swords. Note to self: don’t trespass in Venezuela.
Posted by Say Hey
Posted by Say Hey
Posted by Say Hey
This story got our morning off to a sad start.
Sometimes, we give Armando Benitez a hard time, even though he’s having a stellar spring (allegedly). But the next time Big Bennie blows a save–and don’t worry, it’ll happen–