For you people who don’t want to learn, sorry.
Macbeth: As one of the most ambitious yet flawed characters in the entire Shakespearean catalogue, Macbeth begins the play as the Thane of Glamis, then achieves Thane of Cawdor status and finally, through murder and lies, he becomes the king of Scotland. He even kills his best friend Banquo, who begins to get awfully suspicious of King Macbeth, in the process. Hm, an unsurpassed lust for power .. cheating his way to reach mythical status … throwing his best friend under the bus to hide the truth … That sounds awfully familiar, doesn’t it? What do you think, Barry Bonds?
The Three Witches (Macbeth): We’ll stay on the Macbeth bent. The three witches (also known as the three “weird sisters”) basically trick/mindfuck/confuse Macbeth into his crimes. They are not the cause of his actions, but rather spur him to certain action. They put the seed of ambition into his head. If Mr. Bonds is Macbeth, then didn’t the steroid-riddled successes of Jose Canseco, Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa spur the one-time lithe slugger into action?
Hal, later Henry V (Henry IV): The young Prince of Wales–whose rebellious and free-spirited ways make him an outcast in his own kingdom–has trouble living up to his royal predecessors. Our Bay Area corollary: Alex Smith, whose wanton passes just always seem to get intercepted and whose small hands look like they’ll never achieve Joe Montana/Steve Young/even Jeff Garcia status. At least not yet.
Prospero (The Tempest): One of the great Shakespearean characters of all time, the retired sorcerer Prospero creates a whole entertaining drama on a deserted island through the use of his magic powers. Often seen as a stand-in for Shakespeare himself (with all the creative imagery), Prospero reminds us of Don Nelson, who has used his own powers to create something out of this Warriors squad that can’t shoot, rebound or pass exceptionally well. Yet there they are on the verge of the playoffs, starting four guards and Al Harrington, a big small forward. Go figure.
King Lear: One of literature’s all-time great crazy old patriarchs, the ever-fickle Lear gives his kingdom (and sanity) to his daughters, but when they betray him, he goes nuts and starts hanging out with clowns and running in storms. He also goes blind, but whatever. Is there a better old crazy patriarch in the country than Al Davis? He’s moved the team to and from Oakland, not to mention performed his fair share of nutty antics. And ending of the Raiders-Al Davis saga isn’t looking so hot on the we-know-that-this-play-is-a-tragedy meter.
Alcibiades (Timon of Athens): Who? What? Exactly. Insert any soccer or hock-ey player here.
Solinus, Egeon, Emilia (Comedy of Errors): OK, so the characters don’t really match up, but the title certainly fits the bill for Giants infielders not named Omar: Pedro Feliz, Ray Durham and Rich Aurilia.
That’s all for now. We’re sure to have more in the future. Continue with eating your cheese puffs and watching Jerry Springer.