As you may have heard, Clyde Drexler is the requisite professional athlete featured on this year’s version of ABC’s Dancing With the Stars, following in the dancing clogs of Emmitt Smith and Jerry Rice. But is it just us, or is the choice of Drexler a little, um, boring? Now, we didn’t watch the show the other night, but he certainly hasn’t stolen the headlines like Heather Mills McCartney, who has one leg.
Anyway, the whole Drexler choice got us thinking(!). What other shows could benefit from a celebrity cameo, sporting or otherwise? We aren’t super big television fans, but we’re pretty sure that if some of these changes were to be implemented, television would be a bit more interesting.
What cameos would you like to see? Just one more thing to think about while thank your lucky stars you weren’t on a British Airways flight recently.
American Idol: Well, we know that Barry Bonds and Greg Anderson won’t sing (zing!), so maybe the best bet is to get some good judges who will fly off the handle, like Bobby Knight and Billy Martin. Another good idea is the ultra-ghetto athlete, like a Stephen Jackson or a Pacman Jones. Can’t you just see this scene:
Jones [slouching in his chair, slowly leaning forward]: “That song was a-ight, bitch. But here’s what you shoulda gone and done.”
[Camera cuts to Pacman “making it rain.”]
Whose Line Is It Anyway?: Michael “This Ain’t My Crack Pipe!” Irvin. Self-explanatory, no?
The Amazing Race: The fun here is that you can pair people to make entertaining duos as they race around the world. A George W. Bush-Tony Blair team would be great, especially when strategical disagreements arise. (Bush: “Ya gotta take a left here, Tone’.” Blair: “Bollocks, you’re off your trolley. Besides, remember the last time I took your advice? Weapons of mass destruction my arse!” Bush: “You promised you wouldn’t bring that up again!”) Another fun pair of travel buddies would be Gavin Newsom and his former best friend and campaign manager, Alex Tourk. The possibilities are endless–Reggie Miller & Spike Lee, Pete Rose & Bud Selig, John Rocker & Pedro from The Real World (you know, if he was still alive). But if you really want an amazing race, pair up Mark Zupan of Murderball fame and Hawaiian sumo wrestler Musashimaru:
Ugly Betty: Calvin Booth and Willie McGee stop by for a special feel-good episode where Ugly Betty teaches them that your inner beauty is more important than outer appearances in this money-driven, shallow world we live in. Then Angelina Jolie stops by with all her Cambodian orphans and proves that you should really aspire to have it all.
Survivor: Terri Schiavo, um, got voted off. ( … too soon?)
24: Jack Bauer’s new partner is Shaq. Actually, a cameo by the original #24, our namesake Willie Mays, would be the classy thing to do. Too bad 24 takes place in Los Angeles, is made by Republicans and is on Fox. So, in other words, not classy.
Diff’rent Strokes: Dick Cheney.
Jeopardy Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?: Michael Irvin strikes again. For some background, a fellow football analyst once asked Irvin, in all seriousness on the air, “Are you retarded?” The other contestants: OJ Mayo, Britney Spears and Warriors boss Gary St. Jean.
Oz: We’re pretty sure Maurice Clarett (below) has already been on this show. Let’s move on.
The Wire: Baltimore native and “Stop Snitchin'” Activist Carmelo Anthony gets shot.
The Sopranos: Tommy Lasorda gets shot.
Deadwood: Elijiah Wood gets shot. (get it?)
Queer Eye For the Straight Guy: We’re not sure who’ll be on the show, but ESPN’s Stuart Scott should be a shoe-in for host duties.
And finally …
Dancing With the Stars: Heather Mills McCartney’s new partner is … Dave Dravecky!
(Disclaimer: we are not making fun of Dave Dravecky. He is one of the great, great Bay Area heroes and a seminal figure in our childhood. We’re poking fun at television’s sleaziness and money-grubbing.)