Comparing The NBA to 90210

Since we already compared NCAA teams to Seinfeld characters and some Bay Area figures to Shakespearean folk, we decided to stay with the comparative theme and bring 90210 to the forefront. So without further ado, here’s the Western Conference edition, counting down to the top seed:

8. Golden State Warriors: Nellie’s boys are hot at the right time, score early and often, and don’t have much substance behind their offensive facade. The Warriors are like Kelly Taylor, who also peaked at the right time (when Brenda was away in France) and was known for her aggressive, flashy ways. She absolutely bitched Brenda (see below) and loved Dylan (also see below). Both the Warriors and Kelly are also clearly the best–and by best, we mean our favorites–in their respective arenas.


7. Los Angeles Lakers: Like Steve Sanders, the Lakers have a lot of unwarranted swagger for some reason, despite the inconvenient (but unbeknownst to them) fact that they have very little to back it up. This reason, among others, makes Steve and the Lakers the least likable duo in their respective arenas. Plus, Luke Walton has the same curly-mullet hairdo. (Note: in all fairness, Steve was a really good volleyball player … yeah … that actually makes it worse.)


6. Denver Nuggets: The Nuggets are an X-factor. An unknown variable. A newcomer. An up-and-comer. Just like Miss Valerie Malone, they’ve got a little edge to them, including (but not limited to) marijuana use and bitch slaps. Furthermore, Valerie and the Nuggets–led by Carmelo Anthony and Allen Iverson–both have two big, um, assets.

Tiffani Amber-Thiessen

5. Utah Jazz: Somehow always hanging around the main characters. Boring. Smart. Ugly. Will Andrea Zuckerman please report to Ms. Teasley’s office?


4. Houston Rockets: The Rockets are everyone’s dark horse pick, despite the fact that they have barely any playoff experience (aside from T-Mac’s multiple first round exits). So, in other words, they are the virgin that everyone sticks up for: Donna Martin of “DONNA MARTIN GRADUATES!” In a bonus sidenote, Donna’s dad bears a slight resemblance to Rockets coach Jeff Van Gundy. Now you know.


3. San Antonio Spurs: Tim Duncan, and the Spurs by extension, might as well be the NBA’s version of Brandon Walsh. Both entities go strictly by the book, are as reliable as clockwork, and all-around solid citizens. They are one of the main characters–if not the main character–year after year, despite not being very interesting to watch.


2. Phoenix Suns: The antithesis of the Spurs/Brandon, the Suns are just as successful at what they do, but they do it in their trademark flashy, run-and-gun style. Dylan McKay was the cool kid on the 90210 block. Both Dylan and the Suns spurred a revolution of sorts: the Suns resurrected the run-and-gun offense and Dylan brought back the James Dean-long sideburns-cool guy factor.


1. Dallas Mavericks: Who’s more of a “maverick” than Brenda Walsh? Brenda/Dallas has history with Dylan/Phoenix (via Steve Nash). Furthermore, they have a grudge match with the one who has screwed them over a lot, rival Kelly/Golden State.


[Photos courtesy: StarPulse]

5 Responses to Comparing The NBA to 90210

  1. CorneliusCharles says:

    Wow. How did you come up with this? It’s brilliant.

  2. Kristin says:

    You know who got kicked off the show? Brenda Walsh.

  3. jtimmerman says:

    This is satire in its most brilliant form – This what Sports Center used to be

  4. J says:

    I actually own that pic of Andrea, and I don’t know what the hell you did to her eye. But the woman is far from ugly.

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