In honor of the G-Men’s dominant sweep in Chavez Ravine this week, we’ve decided to list the 10 Biggest Giants Nemeses. These are the worst of the worst. Some are people we love to hate (#2), while others are just plain annoying (#3). Enjoy. And leave some suggestions for the folks we missed.
Note: if you’re looking for the worst Giants of all time, check out this list instead.
10. Eric Gagne: There was a time when Gagne was much higher on this list, back when he was the game’s dominant pitcher for that one year. His swagger on the mound was pretty remarkable, especially considering he’s Canadian and he really only had a year (OK, maybe two years) of dominance. Plus, those stupid glasses were annoying. Since he stopped taking steroids in 2005, Gagne has pitched a grand total of 16.2 innings in the last three years. That’s a shame.
9. Ivan Rodriguez: Coming off a World Series appearance, the boys from the Bay won 100 games in 2003 and squared off against the wild card Florida Marlins in the first round. In the deciding Game 4, the Giants rallied against machete-maniac Ugueth Urbina in the 9th. With San Francisco down a run and J.T. Snow on second, the Giants got a single. Snow trucked home. The throw from the outfield was perfect, so Snow tried to run over Rodriguez. Pudge held onto ball during the monster collision, gripped it in his bare hand and screamed. Game over. Season over.
8. Johnny Roseboro: Better known as “the guy who Juan Marichal whacked over the head with a baseball bat,” Roseboro’s inability to take a bat to the dome resulted in Marichal getting suspended for two starts in 1965. The Giants lost the division to the Dodgers that year by–you guessed it–two games. Jeez, be a man, Roseboro.
7. Todd Stottlemyre: You know you’re a huge jerk when someone charges the mound … from second base. That’s exactly what Giants third baseman Charlie Hayes (“whatever happened to … “) did in 1999. We’ll let ol’ Chuck explain:
Here’s the exchange at second base, courtesy of Hayes:
“He said, “F- – you.’ I said, “F- – me?’ He said, “Yeah, f- – you.’ I said, “All right, I’ll knock you out.’ He said, “Yeah, knock me out.’ So I tried to knock him out.”
Afterward, Hayes held nothing back:
“I don’t like him anyway. I don’t think anybody likes him. . . . In front of all these people, he wants to be bad. If you want me, all you’ve got to do is go meet me somewhere, and that’ll be the end of it.”
We feel ya, Charlie. Call us crazy and fickle, but it’s just hard to like quasi-racist people with mullets.
6. Kevin Brown: As a member of the Marlins and Padres, Brown absolutely dominated the Giants from 1995 to 1998. We could never, ever beat him. He even tossed a no-hitter against us. After the 1998 campaign in San Diego, he signed with the Dodgers for a copious amounts; fortunately, he proceeded to suck for the entirety of his contract. Brown is also one of baseball’s all-time biggest assholes.
5. Jose Oquendo: Every couple of years, there’s a terrible player on a random opposing team who turns into Superman whenever they come to town. In the late 80s, this person’s name was Jose Oquendo. A lifetime .252 hitter with 14 homeruns in 12 years, the Oquendo hit about .892 against the Giants from 1987 to 1990. And those 14 career homeruns? Pretty sure each and every one of them were hit off Mike LaCoss and Scott Garrelts.
4. Steve Finley: Finley has been passed around the West Coast more than Paris Hilton. In a fitting piece of irony, he has played very well against the Giants as a member of the Angels, Padres, Diamondbacks, Rockies and Dodgers (including that backbreaking walkoff grand slam in 2004 that capped a seven-run ninth-inning, beat the Giants 7-3, and clinched the division for the Dodgers), yet he totally sucked during his one year at Pac Bell.
3. A.J. Pierzynski: Well, it took Joe Nathan, Francisco Liriano and Boof Bonser to acquire A.J., who then proceeded to prove himself to be a giant douchebag (pun intended). In his single year by the Bay, A.J. got in fights with teammates, hit 40 points lower than he did the year before and was promptly released upon season’s end. So, basically, we gave away Nathan, Liriano and Bonser. Sweet.
2. Tommy Lasorda: We have to give credit to Tommy for resurrecting the Giants-Dodgers rivalry. In fact, he remains the face of the rivalry, despite being out of the dugout for so many years. The good news is that he continues to stay busy, albeit in whorehouses. Old men + sex = shudder. Nonetheless, we still pine for those halcyon days when Tommy stumbled down the foul line at Candlestick amidst an ocean of boos and tossed batteries.
1. That Goddamn Rally Monkey: Worst. Thing. Ever. Is there a more annoying … thing in all of sports? It even has its own website. A little known fact: the Rally Monkey’s first appearance was during an interleague game against the Giants in which the Angels rallied to a ninth-inning victory. Along with Felix Rodriguez, the Rally Monkey was single handedly responsible for the 2002 World Series collapse. And we’re still not too happy about those damn thundersticks either.
You want pain? Watch the following video. Repeatedly. It makes us want to cry, rip our eyelids off and huddle in the corner in a bloody puddle.