The scene: Sunday night, at a ritzy Bay Area bar/club, shortly after the Golden State Warriors’ monumental Game Three victory over the Dallas Mavericks.
Baron Davis [entering bar]: Alright Beard, we’re supposed to meet the team here and celebrate our big win.
Baron’s Beard [looking around]: Awww yeah! This is what I’m talkin’ ’bout!
Jessica Alba [at the bar]: Hey Baron! Great game tonight!
Baron Davis: Hey, thanks for coming to the game, Jessica. How are you doing tonight?
Baron’s Beard: A-hem!
Baron Davis: Oh sorry. Jessica, have you met Beard?
Baron’s Beard: Hey lil’ breezy! Whaaaaaas crackulatin’? You want some Beard love?
Jessica Alba: Excuse me?
Baron’s Beard: You know what they say about full beards …
Jessica Alba: Pardon?
Baron Davis: Beard, shut up!
Baron’s Beard: Once you go Beard you never go back.
[Jessica Alba slaps Baron’s Beard and storms away.]
Baron’s Beard: Damn! What was up with her?
Baron Davis [walking over to the rest of the team in the back of the bar]: Beard! She’s my friend! You offended her!
Baron’s Beard: She just don’t know.
Jason Richardson [sitting at a booth with Don Nelson and Andris Biedrins]: What up B! Hey, didn’t Monta Ellis come with you?
Baron Davis: Yeah, but he couldn’t get in.
Baron’s Beard: Dumbass didn’t want to throw away his sour cherry Slurpee.
Baron Davis: He’s ok though. He’s playing Gameboy in the car. I rolled down the windows. Hey, where’s Jax at?
Andris Biedrins [looking suspiciously tan]: Stephen Jackson doing disco dance with many prostitutes right now. He pretend to have sex with them on disco area. What a country America!
Jason Richardson [looking in the distance]: Aw shit. Look who’s coming over. Quick, avoid eye contact!
Mike Dunleavy [stumbling over, drunk]: Hey guyyyyyys!!!
All [unenthusiastically and together]: Hi, Mike.
Baron’s Beard: Who’s this fool?
Baron Davis: He used to be on the Warriors when you were little, remember? It was back when you were just a goatee.
Mike Dunleavy: I’m soooo drunk! Hey I can’t be-lieve how well you guys are do-ing! No, really. Hey guess what? I’ve gotten a lot cooler since I decided to get traded. And just because I’m on a different team doesn’t mean we can’t still hang out!
Stephen Jackson [C-walking by the table, screaming/singing, with what can only be described as “a harem of bitches”]: What up gangstas! We the muthafuckin’ shit, yo! Ain’t no Texas-ass, German-loving Maverick muthafuckers gonna come into our house and whup our asses! We showed ‘dem! Go Warriors, Go Warriors, it’s our birthday! And we ready! We ready! We ready …
[Stephen Jackson continues his diatribe in the distance with his harem]
Don Nelson [shaking his head with a huge smile across his face]: He’s incorrigible.
[The players all stare blankly at Nelson]
Don Nelson: Hey nevermind, guys. Who wants a drink? This round’s on me!
Baron Davis: I’ll have a Heineken.
Baron’s Beard: Thug Passion. And a pack o’ Newports, yo.
Andris Biedrins: In Soviet Russia, cigarette smoke you.
Mike Dunleavy: Another Zima for Mike!
Don Nelson [calling to Sarunas Jasikevicius and Zarko Cabarkapa in the corner]: Hey Vince! You want anything?
[Jasikevicius glares at Nelson and slowly lifts both middle fingers.]
Don Nelson [smiling fondly]: Oh, that Vince. Great guy.