The scene: The Warriors’ locker room, about an hour before Game Two.
Don Nelson [sipping on a can of Bud Light]: Ok, fellas, we’ve got to have this game tonight. We don’t want to go back to Oakland down 2-0. Now, does everyone know what we have to do to win?
Matt Barnes: I’ve got to hit the open shot and create chaos on the court.
Jason Richardson: Play good team D, make our layups.
Baron Davis: Take care of the ball, rebound the ball–
Baron’s Beard: I’m gonna stare the shit out of Deron Williams’ chinstrap-beard thing! The little thing’s gonna piss its chin! We gonna intimidate the shit out of it. Just watch, man!
Mickael Pietrus [to himself]: Je saute … je saute … je saute …
Stephen Jackson [screaming]: Fuck them mutherfuckers, I don’t duck them mutherfuckers, I say fuck them mutherfuckers!
Andris Biedrins [grinning crazily]: Yes! Yes! Kill Jazz! Kill Jazz!
Don Nelson: Now, now, let’s calm down. Those are all excellent suggestions. Excellent, but wrong nonetheless. Our new secret strategy lies behind this door. BEHOLD!
[Nelson opens door, revealing Adonal Foyle]
Adonal Foyle [with two thumbs up]: Look at me! I am going to participate in the athletic contest!
Sarunas Jasikevicius [jumping, cheering with both fists raised]: Yay! Go Adonal!
Baron’s Beard: What the fuck?! He hasn’t played in an important game since he was playing antelope tag in Africa!
Baron Davis: Quiet, Beard. You’re being insensitive again. We talked about this …
Don Nelson: No, no. I know what you’re thinking, Beard. Hands of steel … legs of iron … a forehead meant for twisted sex games … these are all true. But oh contraire ye of little faith. I’m the guy who made Manute Bol shoot three-pointers!
[Players stare blankly at Nelson]
Don Nelson: Nevermind. The point is, we need someone to guard Utah’s power forward down low. Now, if we’ve got Beard to help double team on Boozer’s eyebrows, then Adonal can help put a body on the rest of him.
Stephen Jackson [nodding calmly]: That muthafucka’s on steroids, man. Guaranteed, yo.
Baron’s Beard [also nodding]: Yeah, I’ll take care of Eyebrows. Don’t worry.
Don Nelson [sipping on the beer]: And Adonal, what did I tell you about playing offense?
Adonal Foyle: I am not to cross the line that divides the court in two.
Don Nelson: Righty-oh! So, Adonal is not allowed to cross halfcourt. This way, he won’t be a problem on the offensive end! I’m a genius!
[A knock on the door]
Don Nelson: Ah! I’ve got a motivational speaker for you guys today! BEHOLD!
[Opens door, revealing Tim Hardaway]
Tim Hardaway: What’s up fellas? So, what’s the deal with Utah? Isn’t it a great place? You know what’s great about it? No gay people!
[Silence, as players sit with their mouths agape]
Tim Hardaway: I tell you, these Mormons might’ve dropped the ball on the whole alcohol thing, but they sure know what they’re doing when–
Don Nelson [pushing Hardaway back through the door]: Ok, Tim, thanks for coming.
Tim Hardaway [leaving]: But I didn’t get to the part about comparing myself to Jesus and DMX …
Don Nelson: Yeah, we’re done here. Let’s go get ’em team!
[Players start yelling and getting pumped up en route to the court, leaving the locker room. One stays behind.]
Monta Ellis: Hey coach, I just wanted to let you know that I’m ready to get some minutes again. I’ve been working really hard in practice and–
Don Nelson: Yeah we’ll see, buddy.
[Nelson finishes off the Bud Light, tosses it in the trash and saunters out to the court.]