Don Nelson’s Pre-Game Talk

The scene: The Warriors’ locker room, about an hour before Game Two.

Don Nelson [sipping on a can of Bud Light]: Ok, fellas, we’ve got to have this game tonight. We don’t want to go back to Oakland down 2-0. Now, does everyone know what we have to do to win?

Matt Barnes: I’ve got to hit the open shot and create chaos on the court.

Jason Richardson: Play good team D, make our layups.

Baron Davis: Take care of the ball, rebound the ball–

Baron’s Beard: I’m gonna stare the shit out of Deron Williams’ chinstrap-beard thing! The little thing’s gonna piss its chin! We gonna intimidate the shit out of it. Just watch, man!

Mickael Pietrus [to himself]: Je saute … je saute … je saute …

Stephen Jackson [screaming]: Fuck them mutherfuckers, I don’t duck them mutherfuckers, I say fuck them mutherfuckers!

Andris Biedrins [grinning crazily]: Yes! Yes! Kill Jazz! Kill Jazz!

Don Nelson: Now, now, let’s calm down. Those are all excellent suggestions. Excellent, but wrong nonetheless. Our new secret strategy lies behind this door. BEHOLD!

[Nelson opens door, revealing Adonal Foyle]

Adonal Foyle [with two thumbs up]: Look at me! I am going to participate in the athletic contest!

Sarunas Jasikevicius [jumping, cheering with both fists raised]: Yay! Go Adonal!

Baron’s Beard: What the fuck?! He hasn’t played in an important game since he was playing antelope tag in Africa!

Baron Davis: Quiet, Beard. You’re being insensitive again. We talked about this …

Don Nelson: No, no. I know what you’re thinking, Beard. Hands of steel … legs of iron … a forehead meant for twisted sex games … these are all true. But oh contraire ye of little faith. I’m the guy who made Manute Bol shoot three-pointers!

[Players stare blankly at Nelson]

Don Nelson: Nevermind. The point is, we need someone to guard Utah’s power forward down low. Now, if we’ve got Beard to help double team on Boozer’s eyebrows, then Adonal can help put a body on the rest of him.

Stephen Jackson [nodding calmly]: That muthafucka’s on steroids, man. Guaranteed, yo.

Baron’s Beard [also nodding]: Yeah, I’ll take care of Eyebrows. Don’t worry.

Don Nelson [sipping on the beer]: And Adonal, what did I tell you about playing offense?

Adonal Foyle: I am not to cross the line that divides the court in two.

Don Nelson: Righty-oh! So, Adonal is not allowed to cross halfcourt. This way, he won’t be a problem on the offensive end! I’m a genius!

[A knock on the door]

Don Nelson: Ah! I’ve got a motivational speaker for you guys today! BEHOLD!

[Opens door, revealing Tim Hardaway]

Tim Hardaway: What’s up fellas? So, what’s the deal with Utah? Isn’t it a great place? You know what’s great about it? No gay people!

[Silence, as players sit with their mouths agape]

Tim Hardaway: I tell you, these Mormons might’ve dropped the ball on the whole alcohol thing, but they sure know what they’re doing when–

Don Nelson [pushing Hardaway back through the door]: Ok, Tim, thanks for coming.

Tim Hardaway [leaving]: But I didn’t get to the part about comparing myself to Jesus and DMX …

Don Nelson: Yeah, we’re done here. Let’s go get ’em team!

[Players start yelling and getting pumped up en route to the court, leaving the locker room. One stays behind.]

Monta Ellis: Hey coach, I just wanted to let you know that I’m ready to get some minutes again. I’ve been working really hard in practice and–

Don Nelson: Yeah we’ll see, buddy.

[Nelson finishes off the Bud Light, tosses it in the trash and saunters out to the court.]


7 Responses to Don Nelson’s Pre-Game Talk

  1. Karl says:

    LOL. Too funny. “I am not to cross the line that divides the court in two”

  2. make your fucking free throws!

  3. BC says:

    I need a Baron Davis Beard T-Shirt in Warriors Yellow. Is there one I can purchase?

  4. Say Hey says:

    BC–Now THAT is an idea!

  5. GSW says:

    I want one with a drawing of BD’s face and text that says “Fear the Beard”

    That would be good.

  6. I BELIEVED says:

    hahahahhaha that was hella funny!

  7. Smack that Ringtone…

    Ghost Ringtone

    High school musical Ringtones

    Hot Ringtones�

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