Armando Benitez: A Rant

Last night, the Giants had a chance to pull off their biggest win of the year in a hostile environment against the best team in the league.

The crowd was dead.

It was late.

The game had “jumped the shark” after the Bonds cameo.

Once Omar Vizquel scored, the collective life of the crowd was sucked out of Shea.

Until …

Armando Benitez stepped out of the bullpen and onto the field.

New Yorkers went crazy.

They were cheering.

Amidst an impenetrable sea of enthusiastic high-fives and radiant smiles, they instantly knew the game was theirs. Shockingly, Armando walked the first batter–who happened to be Jose Reyes, the most dangerous baserunner … alive. As soon as the first balk was called, Armando threw up his hands like a 10-year-old version of Job, as if to say “God, why are you picking on me? I hate you!!! Phooey on all you meanies!!!”

Watching Reyes mess with Armando’s head was like watching Ashton Kutcher “punk” someone like Lindsay Lohan when she’s passed out drunk: it was just too easy. The crowd was relentless and it was only a matter of time until Reyes scored and someone else hit a homerun. That someone else turned out to be Carlos Delgado, the living embodiment of Pedro Cerrano.

Which leads us to our rant…

How is Armando still on the team, let alone our closer? He’s a misguided misogynist* who consistently fails his teammates and fans. In addition to his shortcomings on the field, his polarizing quotes have made him Public Enemy #1 in the Bay Area, a fan favorite in the greater tri-state area and a proponent of the Darfur genocide*.

The worst part about this situation is that as Giants fans, we were treated to years of Robb Nen, the ice-cold warrior who literally gave his career to the Giants when he threw out his arm during the 2002 World Series. Nen was a class act who was active in the community** and always said the right thing. Plus, for a solid five years or so, he was among the best closers in the game.

And now, there’s Armando.

As the above picture can attest, every time he steps on the mound, it’s just a matter of time before he bends over for the other team***.

*we made this up


***almost certainly


One Response to Armando Benitez: A Rant

  1. Release him. I don’t ever want to see Benitez in Giants uniform. I never liked him, why the Giants picked him up, I don’t know, but lesson has been learned. He will not prove any skeptics wrong, he is at best a single A reliever not worthy of wearing an official MLB uniform. And I would say this to his face…

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