The interwebs are completely abuzz with news, notes, rumors and the like regarding Thursday’s NBA Draft. With the NBA playoffs (Warriors aside) evolving into a snoozefest, the draft is the last hope for entertainment for basketball lovers everywhere … at least until the fall. So, we’d like to present a version of the draft that is sure to provide maximum entertainment. Sure it won’t happen … but you can imagine if it did!
1. Portland Trailblazer: As soon as David Stern utters the words “Kevin Durant” on the podium, a symphony of murmurs and oohs/aahs spreads across the draft room. The camera inexplicably remains on Greg Oden, as smoke visibly emanates from the ears of the 40-year-old center who was widely regarded as the #1 pick. Durant happily struts on stage to greet Stern, but once the commissioner gives him the Blazer baseball cap, the lanky teenager buckles from the weight of the hat. Meanwhile, Portland GM Kevin Pritchard talks to Stuart Scott on ESPN, explaining that they couldn’t pass on Michael Jordan again, and that Greg Oden seemed too much like Sam Bowie. Durant goes on to become an evolved version of Glenn Robinson, while …
2. Seattle Supersonics: Fresh off his snub from Portland, Greg Oden refuses to smile for the next ten years. He goes on a workout regimen the likes of which Roger Clemens, Jerry Rice and the U.S. Marines have never seen. The following season, rookie Oden dominates the league, including a 40-point, 20-rebound game against Portland in which his vicious dunks injure the entire Blazer frontline. Oden goes on to win eleven championships (tying his idol/mentor Bill Russell) as he establishes himself as one of the best players of all-time.
3. Atlanta Hawks: For once, the Hawks seem to be in a win-win situation. They can either take stud point guard (Mike Conley) or a can’t-miss big man who seems to be the consensus third-best prospect (Al Horford). However, with Oden falling into Seattle’s lap, the Sonics get busy and get the Hawks to bite on a deal. The Sonics trade a (resigned) Rashard Lewis and Robert Swift for the #3 pick and Speedy Claxton. With the third pick, the Sonics take Oden’s buddy Mike Conley, giving them a solid core of Oden, Conley and Ray Allen. Conley becomes a Tony Parker clone en route to Greg Oden’s aforementioned 11 championships, while Rashard Lewis joins Joe Johnson, Marvin Williams, Josh Smith and Josh Childress to create history’s first team of small forwards. Meanwhile, the only point guard on the Hawks is the revered Tyronn Lue.
4. Memphis Grizzlies: The Grizzlies are absolutely delighted that Al Horford falls to #4. Horford immediately contributes, and with a developing Rudy Gay and a rejuvenated Pau Gasol, the Grizzzz have one of the top frontcourt tandems in the league. Horford becomes Elton Brand. Mike Miller and Kyle Lowry (Noah’s brother) complete a nice starting lineup.
5. Boston Celtics: Danny Ainge can’t get a deal done with the T’Wolves and Lakers, since neither KG nor Kobe want to play in Boston (what with all the racism and snow). Ainge, desperate for headlines, rolls the dice and takes Chinese phenom/mystery man Yi Jialian. Unfortunately, Yi takes a cue from everyone else and decides he doesn’t want to play in Boston. He refuses to report to camp, pulls a Fran Vasquez and never leaves the beautiful Chinese countryside. Bill Simmons actually lights himself on fire.
Stay tuned for the rest of the draft, including a shocking Warriors trade. Coming soon!