The interwebs are completely abuzz with news, notes, rumors and the like regarding Thursday’s NBA Draft. With the NBA playoffs (Warriors aside) evolving into a snoozefest, the draft is the last hope for entertainment for basketball lovers everywhere … at least until the fall. So, we’d like to present a version of the draft that is sure to provide maximum entertainment. Sure it won’t happen … but you can imagine if it did!
6. Milwaukee Bucks: Andrew Bogut is severely disappointed that none of the options are Australian, let alone old enough to drink, thus robbing him of a potential drinking buddy. Following their course, the Bucks opt for yet another safe pick, Georgetown’s Jeff Green.
7. Minnesota Timberwolves: Kevin McHale announces that he made a promise to big man Spencer Hawes, saying that he’s got “a good feeling” about the 7’1″ white guy who barely averaged six rebounds a game. Upon hearing that Minnesota A) drafted Hawes and B) failed to get a deal done, Kevin Garnett suddenly disappears, like the world movers in Atlas Shrugged … what?
8. Charlotte Bobcats: Things get interesting as the Warriors trade Jason Richardson straight up for the #8 pick. Charlotte, way under the cap and in need of a scorer, can absorb Richardson’s salary, giving the W’s some much-needed relief, allowing them to resign Andris Biedrins and Monta Ellis next year. With the eighth pick, Nellie and Mully briefly flirt with Corey Brewer (who would be a great replacement for JRich–able to contribute right away, especially defensively) and Brandan Wright, but ultimately settle for Joakim Noah (gasp!). As UCLA fans, we’ve grown to despise Noah, but the man could be a good fit in Nellie’s system. Playing alongside Biedrins, the W’s would have two extremely active rebounders/shot blockers who can run the floor and finish on the break. And since both are young, they would be great cornerstones, particularly assuming that at least one would develop a low-post game. Warriors lineup: Baron Davis, Stephen Jackson, Matt Barnes (hopefully), Ellis, Biedrins, with Al Harrington, Noah and Kelenna Azubuike as the bench contributors, plus Patrick O’Bryant and the rest of the Warriors picks (#18, #36, #46).
9. Chicago Bulls: The Bulls already missed out on the guys they were after in the draft (Horford, Yi, Noah), so they decide to go after Kobe one last time. This time, the Lakers, desperate to do something, pull the trigger. The Bulls send the #9, Ben Gordon, Ben Wallace, a resigned Andres Nocioni, Chris Duhon and Tyrus Thomas to the Lakers in exchange for Kobe Bryant. Once Kobe arrives in Chicago and sees that the Bulls traded the whole team for him, he averages 40 points per game but the Bulls lose to the Heat in the first round. Meanwhile, the Lakers take Corey Brewer with the ninth pick, and Phil Jackson immediately loves the savvy small forward. The Lakers make some other roster moves (perhaps involving Ben Wallace and Lamar Odom) but maintain a young core of Brewer, Andrew Bynum, Tyrus Thomas and Ben Gordon, furthering the gap between East and West.
10. Sacramento Kings: The Kings are absolutely giddy that Brandan Wright slips to #10. Unfortunately, the concerns about his motivation are true and after not going hard for a loose ball in the season opener, Ron Artest knocks the rookie out cold in the middle of a game, saying “bitch had it coming.” The Kings continue to implode throughout the season, and the midseason move to Las Vegas really just compounds the problem, what with Brad Miller becoming a staple at slot machines at The Palms.
Earlier: Picks 1-5