Sports Hell, Part I: The Incontinent

Like we mentioned earlier, we’re taking a trip to sports hell this week. We welcome your suggestions.

The first five circles are dedicated to incontinence: sins resulting not from direct malice but from an inability to quell an urge/appetite for destruction. [Note: In Dante’s version, the First Circle is Limbo, where the virtuous pagans (those who were worthy, but lived before Christianity or didn’t have a chance to be baptized) dwell in Elysium. We’re skipping that and starting with the Second Circle.]

The Second Circle: The Lustful: those who sinned “within the flesh, subjecting reason to the rule of lust.”

  • Stephon Marbury: He who loves to kiss and feel his sister’s body.
  • Mike Cooper (right): Everyone’s favorite library-masturbator.
  • Eddie Griffin: A word of advice to young drivers–don’t drive while watching porn in your Escalade; it’ll only lead to trouble.
  • Matt Leinart: Already a deadbeat dad and Paris Hilton sidekick, just wait until he gets a second year in the NFL under his belt.
  • Bill Belichick: Keep married women away from him.
  • Fred Smoot: Three magical, magical words: Vikings Love Boat.

Bay Area Reps:

  • Byron Houston: The former Warrior just pulled over on the side of the road during rush hour to give lil’ Byron some attention.
  • Wilt Chamberlain: The king of all womanizers, the San Francisco Warriors great is reputed to have bagged over 20,000 women during his lifetime. Third Circle: The Gluttonous:

  • John Daly: He could’ve been great if he didn’t … succumb … to a bevy of Coors Light and twinkies and strippers and Parliaments and .
  • The Fielders: Undoubtedly, Prince and Cecil showcase great power at the plate and at the buffet table.
  • David Wells: He drank beer and had a career year. He got drunk and tossed a perfect game.
  • Oliver Miller (right): The poster child for fat basketball players was indeed fat.
  • Stephen A Smith: Sorry, we just had to. CHEEEESE DOOODLES!

Bay Area Reps:

  • Livan Hernandez: We always liked Livan. We were Livan defenders. He ate up innings, could hit and was a pretty good athlete, despite his girth. Then he blew Game 7 of the 2002 World Series.
  • Rick Reuschel: The original Livan, with the added bonus of a wispy mustache.
  • CC Sabathia: Vallejo native and Cleveland ace is on the verge of the deuce and a half club.
  • Victor Alexander: 6’9″, 270. It’s almost as if the Warriors of the 1990s had some poor draft picks.
  • Bubba Paris: The one and only.

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