The NBA ref betting scandal. The steroid mess. Dogfighting. It’s a terrible time to be a sports fan, so like we mentioned yesterday, we’re taking a trip through sports hell, with the help of Dante.
In Dante’s version of hell, the deeper the circle, the worse the sin. With nine circles total, the first five circles are considered “outer hell,” because they are sins of incontinence, which for you mouth-breathers out there, means sins that result from an inability to control oneself (as opposed to more serious sins, as we’ll soon see). So, without any further ado, let’s hit circles four and five.
The Fourth Circle: The Prodigal and The Avaricious: those who wasted money and those who craved money.
- Pacman Jones (above): Everytime he makes it rain–several times a night, every night–a child in Africa sheds a tear, which really dehydrates the little guys. (Note: actually we’re not really sure if Pacman should be in the “avaricious” category since his unwillingness to part with his $81,000 worth of, ahem, rain caused the whole Vegas melee in the first place. Either way, he’s here in this circle of hell.)
- Scottie Pippen: He lost about $27 million in bad investments. Scottie, sell the Enron stock already!
- Scott Boras: We suppose you could put nearly every sports agent in this category, but Boras is the poster child for crazy, overinflated contracts. Well, him and Jerry Maguire and Arli$$.
Bay Area Reps:
- Don Nelson: Not saying he doesn’t deserve it, but he’s seeking out that cash at the risk of distrupting the best (only?) feel-good story of the NBA, not to mention the last decade of Golden State Warriordom.
- Miguel Tejada, Jason Giambi, Julian Peterson, Gilbert Arenas: There are more, but these are the guys whose salary-based departures stung the most for us at the time.
The Fifth Circle: The Wrathful and The Slothful
- Ron Artest: Beer. Cup.
- Ned (right): More of a Deadspin cult hero than mainstream media menace, Ned’s insatiable desire for vengeance was made clear during the infamous Miami-FIU football brawl. Despite being on crutches, Ned valiantly tried to join the violent fray, just to get a crack at one of those fucking Miami Hurricanes.
- Joey Crawford: Tim Duncan agrees with this.
- Lou Piniella: The dirt and his cap agree with this.
- Elijah Dukes: In one of this summer’s better stories, Dukes sent a picture of a handgun to his wife’s cell phone along with this message: “”You dead, dawg. I ain’t even bullshitting. Your kids, too.”
Bay Area Reps
- Stephen Jackson: Too easy?
- Sebastian Janikowski: “The Polish Powderkeg” just doesn’t know how to walk away from a fight. You know you have a problem with rage when you get in a fight in a Walnut Creek restaurant.
- Milton Bradley (right): Gone but not forgotten, Bradley was/is the Lou Piniella of players: just one bad call away from going postal on the dugout Gatorade container.
- Shaquille O’Neal: We love the Big Fella as much as anyone, but imagine how many rings he would have if he actually showed up to camp in shape several times over the last decade.
- Charlie Weis: Working out > Gastric bypass surgery.
- Vince Carter: His admission that he sometimes didn’t play hard while in Toronto made him Canada’s version of Osama bin Laden.
Bay Area Reps:
- Tony LaRussa: He really shouldn’t have taken a (drunken) nap in his car without putting on the emergency brake. Just saying.
- Mike Dunleavy: You’d put him here too if you ever saw him play defense.
- Randy Moss: You’d put him here too if you ever saw him run routes.