The NBA ref betting scandal. The steroid mess. Dogfighting. It’s a terrible time to be a sports fan, so like we mentioned yesterday, we’re taking a trip through sports hell, with the help of Dante.
Part I: The Lustful and The Gluttonous
Now we’re getting to the good stuff. After skipping the heretics–everyone in the sports world thanks god already–we’re headed straight for lucky number seven. For some reason, these guys seem the scariest to us. Here come the crazies!
The Seventh Circle: The Violent
Against People & Property:
- Ugueth Urbina (right): The former MLB closer is currently sitting in a Venezuelan jail and will continue to do so for the next 14 years. That’s what happen when you attack your workers with a machete and then pour gasoline on them. At least he’s still doing interviews.
- Joey Porter: The linebackers’s rap sheet: got into a fight before a game, got into a fight at a blackjack table, and his dogs killed a miniature horse.
- Brett Myers: Probably not a good idea to punch your wife in the face. But hey, that’s just us.
- Mark Cuban: You know he probably killed a few homelesses after that playoff loss. [We kid, we kid. Please don’t sue.]
Bay Area Reps
- Lawrence Phillips (right): You know you’ve partaken in your share of violent activities when dragging an ex-girlfriend down a flight of stairs isn’t the worst thing on your rap sheet. Our vote goes to this: “he was charged in Los Angeles for allegedly putting the foot to the floor of a stolen Honda and trying to run down a gaggle of fleeing teenagers in a park.” He also may or may not have purposely missed a block during that fateful play that led Cardinals safety Aeneas Williams to give Steve Young a blindside, career-ending concussion. Jerk.
- Latrell Sprewell: Cough cough.
- Bill Romanowski (right): Similar to Phillips, Romo’s got a laundry list of violent acts, many of them with teammates. Though we like his fight with the always-classy Harris Barton after Romo delivered a cheap shot to Jerry Rice in practice (Harris rocks), the pick of the litter might be his preseason cheap shot to teammate Marcus Williams’ face, breaking Williams’ eye socket.
- Kevin Mitchell: We did a post on Mitch a couple months back. He got into high-profile scuffles physical with his father, a team owner and Darryl Strawberry.
- Chris Benoit
- Cory Lidle
- Terrell Owens: Part of us really think he tried to, which is just what TO wants us to think.
- Bison Dele: Once known as Brian Williams, Dele has been missing for a couple years. For a good recap on the odd story, check out this site. Some say he got lost at sea. We say he found Atlantis.
- Hunter S. Thompson: The only reason (aside from the, you know, suicide) he’s here is that something tells us that the former Page 2 columnist would relish the opportunity to be in the same place as all these guys. Think of the stuff he would write. And you thought Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas was a trip. RIP Hunter.