Sports Hell, Part IV: The Fraudulent

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The NBA ref betting scandal. The steroid mess. Dogfighting. It’s a terrible time to be a sports fan, so like we mentioned earlier, we’re taking a trip through sports hell, with the help of Dante.

Part I: The Lustful and The Gluttonous

Part II: The Prodigal, The Avaricious, The Wrathful and The Slothful

Part III: The Violent

The penultimate circle of Dante’s inferno contains all types of frauds, as you’ll see. The thing that differentiates these sinners from the earlier ones is the use of reason to knowingly do, um, bad things. So no Mike Tyson.

The Eighth Circle: The Fraudulent

Panderers & Seducers:

  • Mark Chmura: “No judge, I do not know why I was in a hot tub with my 17-year-old babysitter at her prom party.”
  • Chris Henry: “No judge, I do not know why I served two underage girls lots of alcohol in a hotel room.”
  • Marcus Vick (Michael’s younger brother): “No judge, I do not know why this girl is suing me for $6.3 million because I had sex with her when she was 15.”

Bay Area Reps:

  • Mike Dunleavy: One definition of “panderer” is someone who serves others but for his monetary benefit. Hm. Overpaid athletes? You mean they exist?
  • Erick Dampier, Adonal Foyle, Barry Zito: See “Dunleavy, Mike”… at least there haven’t been any sexual assaults of minors in the Bay. Yet. C-Bass.


  • KNBR: The Sports Leader hearts its sponsors. But who wouldn’t?

Simonists: those who profit by selling sacred things

  • Bill Simmons: Simmons. Simonists. Simmonists. One could say he’s sold out. One could.

Bay Area Reps:

  • Every single fan who has bought and/or sold home run balls, thereby turning a part of a once-sacred game (catching foul balls) into a quest for eBay dollars. Seriously, we can’t stand those fans. Stop ruining baseball. Now, allow us to step down from the soapbox and continue the list…

Sorcerers & False Prophets:

  • ESPN: From Mel Kiper Jr hyping up Ki-Jana Carter to Jay Bilas drooling over Kwame Brown’s “length” to Chad Ford’s man-love for Darko Milicic to all the geniuses who picked the Giants and A’s to do well this year, suffice to say that you were wrong. Also, Chris Berman is here for picking the Buffalo Bills and the San Francisco 49ers to win every year from 1989 to 2002.


  • Curt Schilling
  • Mike Nifong: The onetime Duke case prosecutor sure wishes he didn’t condemn those boys in the media now.
  • Carmelo Anthony: His inclusion amongst the Barrators is ironic considering it’s because he kept telling everyone to stop snitching.

Bay Area Reps:

  • That spelling bee kid from Danville.
  • Rickey Henderson: A definitive list of his greatest works can be found here. They don’t make ’em like that anymore.
  • Larry Krueger: He’ll never look at Cream of Wheat in the same light.
  • Tommy Lasorda: Would any self-respecting Giants fan argue that Tommy isn’t the world’s biggest blowhard?


  • Gary Sheffield: Says there’s racism in baseball. Also says Latino players are easier to control than blacks.
  • Rafael Palmeiro: “I have never done steroids and I hate all people who have done steroids and I think that steroids are ruining the game and–oh, what? I tested positive? Ah shit. I just got 3,000 hits.”


  • Marcus Williams: When you’re on scholarship on the best college hoops team in the country, probably not the best idea to steal a bunch of laptops.
  • Ruben Rivera: When you’re on a World Series contender, probably not the best idea to try to steal Derek Jeter’s glove from his locker.

Fraudulent Advisors:

  • Every terrible front office man: Kevin McHale, Elgin Baylor, Billy Knight
  • Don King

Bay Area Reps:

  • Dave Twardzik
  • Gary St. Jean
  • Dusty Baker: Let Ortiz stay in! No, don’t put Felix in! Pitch Rueter in Game Seven! No, don’t start Livan!
  • Art Shell: Randy Moss started poking Shell with a stick during one of the game and he still didn’t react or move.

Sowers of Discord:

  • Carl Monday: Undoubtedly the KING and REIGNING CHAMPION of creating discord. Or saving our children. Either way.
  • Kobe Bryant: Raped a chick (allegedly). Ran Shaq out of town. Ran Phil out of town. Forced a trade. Will run Phil out of town a second time.
  • The Rally Monkey: Hate. It.

Bay Area Reps:

  • Victor Conte, Greg Anderson and the rest of the BALCO staff people: They were just doing their job, suppose, but they really fucked shit up.


  • Sammy Sosa: explanation needed?

Bay Area Reps:

  • The second-tier steroid users: The Marvin Benards and Randy Velardes of the world aren’t quite bad enough to get to the Ninth and final circle of hell, but they were falsifiers nonetheless. We actually thought Bobby Estalella was that huge naturally. We feel betrayed.

P.S. Everytime we mention Lasorda, we feel obliged to include this:

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