It Starts.

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Tonight, the Indianapolis Colts and New Orleans Saints square off to kick off the 2007 NFL season, and we still haven’t done much football previewing, so here are some thoughts on what we see happening in the upcoming season. Feel free to contribute your own predictions, because we’re fairly certain none of ours will come to fruition. Except the last one.

  • The Niners go 9-7. They start out as a mediocre team struggling with high expectations, but are bolstered by a cupcake second-half that sees them finishing up their schedule against Minnesota (who, Tampa, Cincinnati (who will disappoint this year) and Cleveland (who disappoints every year).
  • The Niners don’t get swept in a season series against a division foe, thus enabling them to sneak into the playoffs.The image “https://i2.wp.com/www.etruth.com/media/NewsPhotos/25826_websm.jpg” cannot be displayed, because it contains errors.
  • The aforementioned playoff clincher comes in the snow-filled finale against the Cleveland Browns and Brady Quinn (right). Despite looking fabulous, Quinn tosses three interceptions and gets booed off the Cleveland field. Also, a double-A battery hits him in the head on his way out. He isn’t wearing a helmet because he’s got to showcase that beautiful head of hair.
  • Frank Gore fumbles seven times, but still rushes for 1500 yards and proves that he is, in fact, the only African-American Greek god (though we’ve got a sneaking suspicion about Demeter). Gore spends his offseason residing on Olympus.
  • Alex Smith does his best Rex Grossman impression, but despite his efforts, the Niners still win a couple games. He has the lowest QB rating of any QB in the playoffs.
  • Vernon Davis writes an email to us, saying he would rather not be referred to as “VD.” He leads the league in receiving yards for a tight end at the halfway mark, but is actually beaten to death by Mike Nolan after his fourth 15-yard celebration penalty in as many games.
  • The defense is the pleasant surprise of the year: still not perfect but much improved. Patrick Willis and Manny Lawson prove that they will be the foundations for the next generation.
  • That East Bay team sucks again.
  • Speaking of that East Bay team, their first round pick–whatever his name is–doesn’t done a silver helmet with a cartoon face on it all season. He does, however, wear a fur coat on the private plane that he bought with the money he got from his imaginary contract. But my, does he look stunning!
  • ESPN takes care to mention Mike Nolan’s suit every. single. time.
  • Dianne Feinstein saves the San Francisco 49ers from moving to Santa Clara, prompting Say Hey to run a post that says she deserves a parade for being one of the best Niner fans out there.
  • Bill Walsh is sorely missed.

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