At Long Last: Kanye West’s “Barry Bonds”

August 31, 2007

Because we know you’ve been waiting for it, here is Kanye West’s song “Barry Bonds.”

Nothing makes sense about it. We’re even more out of touch with pop culture than originally thought.

“Here’s another hit, Barry Bonds…”


Danville Hates Baseball, Children And Possibly America

August 29, 2007

If the youth of America can’t play baseball, then the terrorists have already won.

But that’s exactly what’s happening just east of the Bay in Danville, where a father built a picturesque baseball field for his 11-year-old son and his Little League team. Unfortunately, despite spending hundreds of thousands of dollars in the field’s construction, David Lowe did not obtain the proper permits and his (totally non-hyperbolic) neighbors complained:

The views give San Francisco’s AT&T Park a run for its money – Mount Diablo to the east, Las Trampas Regional Park to the west, old oaks all around.

Lowe calls it a “place for neighborhood children to play baseball.” His son, Greg, calls it “really cool.”

Opponents call it “Guantanamo Bay” because of its fences. The neighbors – many of whom are wealthy, though not build-your-own-ball-field wealthy – want it removed as soon as possible, rejecting Lowe’s proposal to hide it by planting tall trees …

Is the next guy going to put a football field on the ridgeline?” neighbor Teri Rousseau asked while pointing to the black fence from her backyard.

The field was born when Lowe’s son’s team needed a coach. In order to make the scheduling work, Lowe decided to build a field on his 2.3-acre property. But neighbors complained, saying the chain-link fences and, well, grass ruined their picturesque views, because they “spent a lot of money on their houses and were counting on having a rural feel.” (Perhaps they should watch this movie.)

Despite the uproar, the field is now functional, complete with batting cages and electric/water hookups. Well for now …

Last night, the Danville Planning Commission voted 7-0 to deny permits for Lowe’s field, which means that Lowe must tear down the field and start the process over if desired. Ouch.

To be fair, it probably wasn’t the best idea for Lowe to spend all that dough to build an unapproved field and the law is the law, but at the same time, ugly and generic houses are sprouting up like weeds on picturesque ridgelines throughout the Bay. Is “Guantanamo Field” really that much worse? Is this the modern day equivalent of Mr. Pine’s Purple House?

God forbid Americans have to play and watch baseball, despite Bud Selig’s best efforts.

Won’t someone please think of the children?!

Little League baseball practice field under fire for lack of permit [SFGate]

Planners reject ball field on ridgeline [SFGate]

[Photo courtesy: Chronicle/David Paul Morris]

An Open Letter To Allan Huber “Bud” Selig

August 6, 2007 Commissioner Selig,

We don’t “get” you.

Much like you, we consider ourselves to be a fan of the game, even a baseball purist if you will. Also like you, we are not thrilled by the way the record is being broken.

Because of all the questions–and answers–surrounding Barry’s chase, everyone from the fan to the commissioner has been put in a difficult position. With the media hovering constantly, you’ve also been under a lot of scrutiny. We understand this, but heavens Bud, after making such a hullaballo about whether or not you would attend the game, you finally made a decision after weeks/months of indecision, diplomatically saying it’s an important day for baseball.

Ok. Good decision. A decision. Sure, it took you months to do it, but you did it. Your childhood hero Hank Aaron took a hard stance and has maintained his distance from Bonds to this day. His actions speak louder than words. Bravo to him.

But Bud, why would you go to the game and then not even stand up? And then not clap? You looked like the pouting teenager on vacation with his parents. Someone had to goad you to leave your seat! We get your point: you’re not happy with Bonds. But why go then?

Would you have clapped if Padres pitcher Clay Hensley had thrown a no-hitter? We bet you would have, despite Hensley’s steroid-laden past.

Did you clap for Tony LaRussa when he won the World Series last year, despite his past with Canseco and McGwire?

Did you clap for Pudge Rodriguez when he led Detroit to the World Series last year?

Did you clap for Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa when they saved your job after you canceled the 1994 World Series?

We wouldn’t have faulted you if you skipped the game. Hell, we would have admired your hard stance. But you didn’t even give us a stance. Your “whaaa, what happened?” reaction while sitting in your press box with your hands in your pockets was just plain silly.

And now you’re done attending Bonds games? Can this get anymore childish?

We miss Fay Vincent. At least the man knows what he thinks about Bonds.


Say Hey

People From LA Are Idiots

August 6, 2007

Yesterday’s edition of the LA Times contained one of the most stupefying stupid articles we’ve ever come across in a well-reputed, high-profile publication. The article, written by Kurt Streeter, basically expounds upon Baron Davis’ ties to Los Angeles, from his offseason charity games down south to his high school days at the ritzy Crossroads High in Santa Monica. But then, Streeter decides that the regal Los Angeles–not the plebian Oakland–deserves Baron.

It’s one thing to share an idea. It’s one thing to make a plea. Hell, even this blog has tossed around the idea of trading Baron during this offseason. But Streeter’s only reason is Los Angeles’ sense of entitlement. Here are some excerpts:

  • “But he doesn’t even play here. He plays in Oakland. And it’s not right. They don’t deserve him. We do.
  • “Everybody knows, after all, that Davis was a stud at UCLA before he became an NBA star in New Orleans, then was injured, barked at coaches, got traded, and came back to California, but to the wrong place. Oakland. He’s pure Los Angeles. Up in Oakland, you can’t even see his Aston Martin. Too much fog. They don’t have that kind of fog in Malibu.”
  • “Those [Dallas playoff] games up north looked like Lakers games during the best of times. Wall-to-wall crazies. The pixie dust had star-trekked north to watch their boy do his thing. In the wrong town. “
  • “That’s a pretty good description of an L.A. guy. Wasted in Oakland.”

Now, aside from the absolute lack of substantial rhetoric and the annoying repetition of sentence fragments (over)used for dramatic effect, what in the world makes Streeter even think that LA deserves Baron more than Oakland?

Let’s see here …

Angelenos are world-renowned for showing up late for games and leaving before the game is over. On the other hand, Warriors fans, despite having suffered through a dozen years of incompetence, are widely regarded as some of the most fiercely loyal (to a fault even) fans in the NBA, an opinion validated during the 2007 playoffs, when the Oracle became the loudest, most hostile homecourt advantage in the league. It’s entirely possible that the Warriors have one of the best fan bases in the entire league. And it’s made up of normal NBA enthusiasts, not people who go to the game just to be seen.

The Lakers deserve Baron? That franchise that houses Kobe Bryant, the most petulant, rape-y player in the league who has repeatedly demanded a trade? That franchise that decided to dump the most dominant player in league history because of in-house quarrels? That franchise that traded All-Star Caron Butler for All-Bust Kwame Brown? That franchise deserves Baron?

The Clippers deserve Baron? That franchise, under Elgin Baylor, that has repeatedly refused to pay for good players? At least the Warriors–despite their history of incompetence–don’t make decisions based on potential profit. That franchise that will always play second-fiddle to the Lakers? That franchise that doesn’t even have its own arena? That franchise whose biggest fan is the kid from Malcolm in the Middle? That franchise deserves Baron?

Los Angeles deserves Baron? The same city that booed both Barry Bonds and the Dodgers pitcher that walked him? The same city that vacated Dodger Stadium when Bonds left the game for a pinch-runner? That city deserves Baron?

Yeah, right.

Bring back the king [LA Times, via The FanHouse]

Clip Of The Day: Do Not Bring Dodger Foam Fingers To San Francisco

July 31, 2007

Here’s what happens when Giants stop being polite and start getting real. You stay classy, Giants fans.

[Sidenote: The exact same thing happened to our friend in Dodger Stadium with a Giants finger. Those things are just conflicts waiting to happen.]

Sports Hell, Part V: The Traitors

July 27, 2007

The NBA ref betting scandal. The steroid mess. Dogfighting. It’s a terrible time to be a sports fan, so like we mentioned earlier, we’re taking a trip through sports hell, with the help of Dante.

Part I: The Lustful and The Gluttonous

Part II: The Prodigal, The Avaricious, The Wrathful and The Slothful

Part III: The Violent

Part IV: The Fraudulent

The ninth and final circle of hell enslaves the worst of the worst: the traitors. Each of the sinners in the deepest realm–and there aren’t many in the exclusive club–betrayed someone important to them. There are four sections, each progressively worse, with the nadir coming in the final section: those who betrayed benefactors. In Dante’s original, Judas (who betrayed Jesus) suffers with Brutus and Cassius (who betrayed Caesar).

Who will be our un-holy trinity?

Well, which three, ahem, big Bay Area stars betrayed their ultimate benefactor, the sport of baseball?

The Ninth Circle: The Traitors

To Kindred

  • Michael Vick: PETA just got mad on behalf of canines everywhere that we lowered dogs to Michael Vick’s kindred level.
  • Rae Carruth: Conspiring to kill your lady friend will get you on this list, unfortunately.
  • Orenthal James Simpson: If OJ did kill his wife, here’s the circle of hell we’d put him in.

Bay Area Reps:

  • The DeBartalo Family: Granted, they haven’t killed each other like the others here, but for heaven’s sake, can’t they get along? Bicker, bicker, bicker! Sue, sue, sue!

Read the rest of this entry »

Sports Hell, Part IV: The Fraudulent

July 26, 2007

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The NBA ref betting scandal. The steroid mess. Dogfighting. It’s a terrible time to be a sports fan, so like we mentioned earlier, we’re taking a trip through sports hell, with the help of Dante.

Part I: The Lustful and The Gluttonous

Part II: The Prodigal, The Avaricious, The Wrathful and The Slothful

Part III: The Violent

The penultimate circle of Dante’s inferno contains all types of frauds, as you’ll see. The thing that differentiates these sinners from the earlier ones is the use of reason to knowingly do, um, bad things. So no Mike Tyson.

The Eighth Circle: The Fraudulent

Panderers & Seducers:

  • Mark Chmura: “No judge, I do not know why I was in a hot tub with my 17-year-old babysitter at her prom party.”
  • Chris Henry: “No judge, I do not know why I served two underage girls lots of alcohol in a hotel room.”
  • Marcus Vick (Michael’s younger brother): “No judge, I do not know why this girl is suing me for $6.3 million because I had sex with her when she was 15.”

Read the rest of this entry »