The Post-Game Scene In The Giants’ Clubhouse

August 8, 2007

Following 756* (which also included a Giants loss), Manager Bruce Bochy gathered his physically exhausted and emotionally weary team around for a post-game meeting. Of course, Barry Bonds had left the stadium hours earlier.

Bruce Bochy: Okay guys, now that that’s out of the way, we can go back to concentrating on baseball. The chase is finally over. All trade speculation is over. The insane media presence is–

[Pedro Gomez, with torn dress shirt and dirty face, stumbles in the locker room]

Pedro Gomez [out of breath]: Oh thank god you guys are still here! My Lincoln Continental broke down in Oakland and I had to run across the bridge!


Pedro Gomez [gaining his composure]: So, what’d I miss?


Bruce Bochy: Correia, get him out of here. Players only!

[Kevin Correia shoves Gomez out of the locker room. He heads to sit back down but Bochy stops him.]

Bruce Bochy [sternly]: Players. Only.

[Correia puts his head down and leaves the room too.]

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Should The Giants Trade Barry Bonds?

July 5, 2007 Now that it seems apparent that Bonds will break the record before the trade deadline, a team would be more likely to take him on after he hits 756. There’s no way another team would touch him in the midst of the media circus that is the homerun chase, but things will calm down in within the next month, right?

Nay: Who in the world would want Bonds?

Yay: Any playoff contender needing an extra bat, obviously. The Redsox are set at DH. Are you telling me that the Angels wouldn’t think Bonds would be an upgrade over Casey Kotchman and his nine homeruns? The Mariners are just a couple games back and they have Jose Frickin’ Vidro manning the DH spot. Also, last I saw, Ricky Ledee was patrolling left field for the Mets. And the Yankees are always looking for old overpaid players.

Nay: But just because some teams would take him doesn’t mean the Giants should just give him away for pennies. There’s no way he’s going to end up on a National League team; no one wants that “defense.” And there are only two teams in the AL that would pick up the tab: the Yankees and Redsox. The Redsox have David Ortiz firmly entrenched in the DH hole and Manny Ramirez meandering in left already, so they’re out. The Yankees are still too far out of the playoff picture (12 games back in division, 8.5 in wild card) at this point to justify taking on Bonds. The teams that have the most pressing need–the Angels and Mariners–probably won’t pay for him, so the Giants would have to pay the bulk of the salary. Why would they do that?

Yay: For some prospects. We’re going to pay Bonds anyway and finish in last place in either scenario; why not take a flier on a prospect or two? It’s clear that the Giants’ farm system ain’t producing many position players (sorry Fred Lewis).

Nay: If we pay him, shouldn’t we have him? Whatever, this brings me to my next point: Bonds is still leading the majors in OPS by a large margin. The guy is still one of the best hitters in the league, even though he’s obviously lost a step. Why would the Giants not only give him away, but pay for him to go away? That just doesn’t make sense.

Yay: It would be a symbolic gesture, as well as a practical. Let the young kids play.

Nay: Really? You would rather watch Kevin Frandsen hit? We already have the worst, most sleep-inducing lineup in the bigs? You want to get rid of our best hitter and most (only) entertaining player? Even with all the steroid stuff, you have to admit that watching Bonds hit is a thing of beauty at times.

Yay: Yeah, nothing spells entertainment like watching a 48-year-old man lumber to the plate, stand there, take six pitches, unwrap his arm-armor and lumber to first base. Get some fresh blood in there. Give Barry’s leather recliner to Matt Cain. Trade Barry.

Nay: When the Giants get shut out for the record 16th time in a row, you’ll regret your decision. Keep him.

Don Nelson’s Pre-Game Talk

May 9, 2007

The scene: The Warriors’ locker room, about an hour before Game Two.

Don Nelson [sipping on a can of Bud Light]: Ok, fellas, we’ve got to have this game tonight. We don’t want to go back to Oakland down 2-0. Now, does everyone know what we have to do to win?

Matt Barnes: I’ve got to hit the open shot and create chaos on the court.

Jason Richardson: Play good team D, make our layups.

Baron Davis: Take care of the ball, rebound the ball–

Baron’s Beard: I’m gonna stare the shit out of Deron Williams’ chinstrap-beard thing! The little thing’s gonna piss its chin! We gonna intimidate the shit out of it. Just watch, man!

Mickael Pietrus [to himself]: Je saute … je saute … je saute …

Stephen Jackson [screaming]: Fuck them mutherfuckers, I don’t duck them mutherfuckers, I say fuck them mutherfuckers!

Andris Biedrins [grinning crazily]: Yes! Yes! Kill Jazz! Kill Jazz!

Don Nelson: Now, now, let’s calm down. Those are all excellent suggestions. Excellent, but wrong nonetheless. Our new secret strategy lies behind this door. BEHOLD!

[Nelson opens door, revealing Adonal Foyle]

Adonal Foyle [with two thumbs up]: Look at me! I am going to participate in the athletic contest!

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The Warriors Celebrate Their Big Win

May 1, 2007

The scene: Sunday night, at a ritzy Bay Area bar/club, shortly after the Golden State Warriors’ monumental Game Three victory over the Dallas Mavericks.

Baron Davis [entering bar]: Alright Beard, we’re supposed to meet the team here and celebrate our big win.

Baron’s Beard [looking around]: Awww yeah! This is what I’m talkin’ ’bout!

Jessica Alba [at the bar]: Hey Baron! Great game tonight!

Baron Davis: Hey, thanks for coming to the game, Jessica. How are you doing tonight?

Baron’s Beard: A-hem!

Baron Davis: Oh sorry. Jessica, have you met Beard?

Baron’s Beard: Hey lil’ breezy! Whaaaaaas crackulatin’? You want some Beard love?

Jessica Alba: Excuse me?

Baron’s Beard: You know what they say about full beards …

Jessica Alba: Pardon?

Baron Davis: Beard, shut up!

Baron’s Beard: Once you go Beard you never go back.

[Jessica Alba slaps Baron’s Beard and storms away.]

Baron’s Beard: Damn! What was up with her?

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The Post-Game Scene In The Warriors’ Locker Room

April 26, 2007


Nellie: Well fellas, that didn’t go so well.

Baron Davis: Sorry guys. I should have kept my cool.

Baron’s Beard: What the hell you talkin’ ’bout Baron? We didn’t do nuthin’ wrong! The refs screwed us!

Baron Davis: Quiet, Beard. You already got me in enough trouble tonight.

Baron’s Beard: I’m jus’ sayin’ that we didn’t deserve to get tossed.

Baron Davis: Shut up!


Baron Davis: Sorry.

Nellie: Regardless, we played crap out there tonight. We let them control the tempo. Now, as coach, it’s my duty to–

[Monta Ellis starts giggling in the corner]

Nellie: Something funny, Ellis?

Monta Ellis: You said “doody”!

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