The Bay Area All-Time Gold Glove Team

August 23, 2007

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With Rawlings’ announcement of their All-Time Gold Glove Team and Henry Schulman’s ringing endorsement of Pedro Feliz as the hands-down best defensive third baseman in the National League this year, there’s been a lot of Gold Glove talk lately, so we thought we’d try to put together a list of the Bay Area’s All-Time Gold Glove Team.

Admittedly, we’re not too familiar with the teams of the ’60s and ’70s, so please feel free to disagree and/or toss any other names into the hat. You’ll be wrong, but whatever.

Catcher: Did you know that Kirt Manwaring won a Gold Glove in 1993? Benito Santiago had a lot of flair behind the dish, but was terrible at blocking balls. Mike Matheny wasn’t even around for an entire year. Terry Steinbach was great but our pick is a personal favorite: the vastly underrated Ramon Hernandez, who anchored four consecutive 90-win seasons with the A’s (2000-2003). Food for thought: how well has the Big Three done in his absence?

First Base: Big Mac won a Golden Arch in 1990, but who knows how. Willie McCovey and his 6-4 frame must have been a nice target for his infielders. The Baby Bull has a lifetime fielding percentage of .990. The Thrill grabbed a Gold Glove in 1991, but the hands-down winner has got to be JT Snow. During the Snow Days, it was like the Giants had a left-handed shortstop playing first base. Has a first baseman in big league history ever contributed so much to the highlight reel?

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The 2007 Giants = The Team From Major League, Only Not Good

August 14, 2007

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Willie Mays Hayes = Rajai Davis

Willie: “Willie Mays Hayes. I hit like Mays, and I run like Hayes.”
Lou Brown: “You may run like Hayes, but you hit like shit.”

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Roger Dorn = Barry Bonds

Jake Taylor: “What I was concerned with was why you didn’t come up with that grounder that Rockert hit in the 9th.”
Roger Dorn: “It was out of my reach, what do you want me to do, dive for it?”

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Rick Vaughn = Tim Lincecum

Lou Brown: “Forget about the curve ball Ricky, give him the heater.”

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Lou Brown = Bruce Bochy

Assistant Coach: [Vaughn has just given up a grand slam after walking three straight batters] “You want me to go get him?”
Lou Brown: “No, keep him in. Let’s see how he reacts.”
Lou Brown: [Vaughn hits the next batter] “Interesting.”

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The Post-Game Scene In The Giants’ Clubhouse

August 8, 2007

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Following 756* (which also included a Giants loss), Manager Bruce Bochy gathered his physically exhausted and emotionally weary team around for a post-game meeting. Of course, Barry Bonds had left the stadium hours earlier.

Bruce Bochy: Okay guys, now that that’s out of the way, we can go back to concentrating on baseball. The chase is finally over. All trade speculation is over. The insane media presence is–

[Pedro Gomez, with torn dress shirt and dirty face, stumbles in the locker room]

Pedro Gomez [out of breath]: Oh thank god you guys are still here! My Lincoln Continental broke down in Oakland and I had to run across the bridge!

[Silence]

Pedro Gomez [gaining his composure]: So, what’d I miss?

[Silence]

Bruce Bochy: Correia, get him out of here. Players only!

[Kevin Correia shoves Gomez out of the locker room. He heads to sit back down but Bochy stops him.]

Bruce Bochy [sternly]: Players. Only.

[Correia puts his head down and leaves the room too.]

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Bay Area Stars Get Simpsonized

July 30, 2007

With the recent hubbub over The Simpsons Movie, we decided to take a page out of the Boston Globe’s book and applied the treasure trove of time-wasters, the Simpsonizer, to your favorite Bay Area superstars and ours, from Senor Bonds to Baron to Miss Jessica Alba and more…

Barry Bonds:

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Nick Swisher:

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Sports Hell, Part III: The Violent

July 25, 2007

The NBA ref betting scandal. The steroid mess. Dogfighting. It’s a terrible time to be a sports fan, so like we mentioned yesterday, we’re taking a trip through sports hell, with the help of Dante.

Part I: The Lustful and The Gluttonous

Part II: The Prodigal, The Avaricious, The Wrathful and The Slothful

Now we’re getting to the good stuff. After skipping the heretics–everyone in the sports world thanks god already–we’re headed straight for lucky number seven. For some reason, these guys seem the scariest to us. Here come the crazies!

The Seventh Circle: The Violent

Against People & Property:https://i1.wp.com/www.emptythebench.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/03/urbina1big.jpg

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Sports Hell, Part II: The Incontinent (Continued)

July 25, 2007

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The NBA ref betting scandal. The steroid mess. Dogfighting. It’s a terrible time to be a sports fan, so like we mentioned yesterday, we’re taking a trip through sports hell, with the help of Dante.

Earlier: Part I: The Lustful and The Gluttonous

In Dante’s version of hell, the deeper the circle, the worse the sin. With nine circles total, the first five circles are considered “outer hell,” because they are sins of incontinence, which for you mouth-breathers out there, means sins that result from an inability to control oneself (as opposed to more serious sins, as we’ll soon see). So, without any further ado, let’s hit circles four and five.

The Fourth Circle: The Prodigal and The Avaricious: those who wasted money and those who craved money.

The Prodigal:

  • Pacman Jones (above): Everytime he makes it rain–several times a night, every night–a child in Africa sheds a tear, which really dehydrates the little guys. (Note: actually we’re not really sure if Pacman should be in the “avaricious” category since his unwillingness to part with his $81,000 worth of, ahem, rain caused the whole Vegas melee in the first place. Either way, he’s here in this circle of hell.)
  • Scottie Pippen: He lost about $27 million in bad investments. Scottie, sell the Enron stock already!

The Avaricious:

  • Scott Boras: We suppose you could put nearly every sports agent in this category, but Boras is the poster child for crazy, overinflated contracts. Well, him and Jerry Maguire and Arli$$.

Bay Area Reps:

  • Don Nelson: Not saying he doesn’t deserve it, but he’s seeking out that cash at the risk of distrupting the best (only?) feel-good story of the NBA, not to mention the last decade of Golden State Warriordom.
  • Miguel Tejada, Jason Giambi, Julian Peterson, Gilbert Arenas: There are more, but these are the guys whose salary-based departures stung the most for us at the time.

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Sports Hell, Part I: The Incontinent

July 24, 2007

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Like we mentioned earlier, we’re taking a trip to sports hell this week. We welcome your suggestions.

The first five circles are dedicated to incontinence: sins resulting not from direct malice but from an inability to quell an urge/appetite for destruction. [Note: In Dante’s version, the First Circle is Limbo, where the virtuous pagans (those who were worthy, but lived before Christianity or didn’t have a chance to be baptized) dwell in Elysium. We’re skipping that and starting with the Second Circle.]

The Second Circle: The Lustful: those who sinned “within the flesh, subjecting reason to the rule of lust.”

  • Stephon Marbury: He who loves to kiss and feel his sister’s body.
  • Mike Cooper (right): Everyone’s favorite library-masturbator.
  • https://i1.wp.com/cache.deadspin.com/images/2006/06/somekindofbond.jpg Eddie Griffin: A word of advice to young drivers–don’t drive while watching porn in your Escalade; it’ll only lead to trouble.
  • Matt Leinart: Already a deadbeat dad and Paris Hilton sidekick, just wait until he gets a second year in the NFL under his belt.
  • Bill Belichick: Keep married women away from him.
  • Fred Smoot: Three magical, magical words: Vikings Love Boat.

Bay Area Reps:

  • Byron Houston: The former Warrior just pulled over on the side of the road during rush hour to give lil’ Byron some attention.
  • Wilt Chamberlain: The king of all womanizers, the San Francisco Warriors great is reputed to have bagged over 20,000 women during his lifetime.

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