An Open Letter To The Warriors

November 1, 2007

We’re not sure if anyone’s still here, but hopefully you’ve dialed into the RSS feed and are back, like us.

Dearest Golden State Warriors,

We love you. Really, we do. Since the dark days of Terry Teagle, we’ve been by your side, and truth be told, we’re probably never going to hop off the bandwagon.

But please don’t fuck up this year.

The Bay Area just wouldn’t be able to take it. You see, we’ve had quite a bit of suffering since you saw us last spring. When you got bounced from the playoffs in April—we’re sick of the Jazz too, by the way—the Bay Area sports scene was a totally different beast. The Giants were struggling a bit in the early going, but everyone thought it would just be a matter of time before Barry Zito got back on track and Barry Bonds broke the record. We had no idea how painful the baseball season would turn out.

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The Zito Apologist: Second Half MVP? Cy Young?

July 18, 2007 Bay Area Fans,

Seven innings. Two runs. Zero walks. 81 strikes, 109 pitches.

“That’s how I pitch when I am who I am.”

With yesterday’s dominating victory over the red-hot Chicago Cubs (despite the best efforts of the Giants’ anemic bats), we feel completely comfortable saying that Barry Zito will have an outstanding bounceback second half. His record currently stands at 7-9; we predict 16 wins.

Here’s to launching the Zito Re-Bandwagon. Get excited. Is it possible to have the best starting pitching in the league but still be the worst team in the league? We’re about to find out.

The Zito Apologist

P.S. The Giants are currently getting slammed by the Cubbies. Matt Cain is the new Barry Zito. And Barry Zito is the new Matt Cain.

An Open Letter To Marco Belinelli

July 3, 2007

Caro Marco,

Buon giorno.

Sono molto felice che i Guerrieri l’hanno scelto. Avevo paura che Chris Mullin voleva un giocatore di merda dagli Stati Uniti, come Troy Murphy, Mike Dunleavy o Todd Fuller. Questa città gia ha avuto già abbastanza dolori.

Ma tu! Tu sei diverso! Lo so. Ho la fede. Veramente molto fede, perche questa squadra ‘e perfetta per te. Lo stilo Don Nelson (il nostro bello tecnico) e molto divertente, specialmente per una guardia come lei che ama l’offesa, un velocità rapida e i tre punti. Forse lei sarà la nostra versione di Manu Ginobili. Forse meglio? Ci vediamo.

Dopo il Draft, tu ha detto, “E’ stata una serata incredibile.” Anch’io ho pensato la questa cosa. Spero che sarebbe una stagione incredibile. L’anno scorso, i Guerrieri hanno fatti molto bene, ma questa stagione, ci sono molte aspettative. Tu puo contribuire immediatamente e ancora, ho la fede che tu aiuterei la nostra squadra.

Nel questo blog, tu hai già un ventilatore grande.


Migliori saluti,

“Dire Ciao”

P.S. Mi dispiace che la grammatica non ‘e perfetta. Non parlo mai qui nell’America, ma ora, c’e una ragione.

[La foto:]

An Open Letter From Baron Davis’ Beard

April 20, 2007

davis_cr_cr.jpgDear Warriors Fans, Dallas Fans, NBA Fans, Mark “Cuban,” Dirk Diggler and the rest of the world,

Whaaaaas crackulatin’?

See, I thought I’d write y’all a letter to remind all-a-y’all of one very important thing that everyone seems to be forgettin’ about in their playoff predictions …

You ain’t never seen a beard like me.

I ain’t just any old beard. I’m a full beard. Legit like Hammer. Thick like Biggie. Dark like Dikembe the winter solstice.

You tell me who’s got a better version! Big Papi? Nah, too angular. Scott Spiezio? Too red. David the Gnome? Too bushy.

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