A New Bearded Wonder, An Old Barry Unearthed!

August 23, 2007

The KNBR Morning Show pointed this out earlier today, but we thought we’d share the photographic evidence: Barry Zito’s recent surge/success/sprezzatura is almost decidedly a result of his newly-grown beard. Last night, he tossed yet another gem (eight innings, two runs) against the first-place Cubbies. Of course, the Giants still managed to blow it, but Zito clearly (hopefully) has his confidence back.

And you know why?

The Beard brings Swagger.

We saw what it did to Baron and the Boys during that magical playoff run.

Think about it. Last week, we spent some time comparing the 2007 Giants with the team from Major League. You fabulous commenters, however, made the best call of the day: pairing Barry Zito with the yuppified version of Rick Vaughn from Major League 2. Perfect fit, right? Right.

Well now, just like the end of the sequel, the Wild Thing version of Barry Zito has returned.

For Rick Vaughn, it took a leather vest, zigzag haircut and orange glasses.

For Barry Zito, it just took a shaggy beard for him to rediscover the free-wheeling, guitar-strumming, always-smiling Barry Zito everyone knows and loves.

We missed you Barry. Welcome back.

(Bonus: Here’s the video clip where the Wild Thing returns. It’s in Italian, but since everyone knows the lines anyway, it makes it even better.)

[Photo courtesy: AP Photo/Ben Margot]

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The 2007 Giants = The Team From Major League, Only Not Good

August 14, 2007

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Willie Mays Hayes = Rajai Davis

Willie: “Willie Mays Hayes. I hit like Mays, and I run like Hayes.”
Lou Brown: “You may run like Hayes, but you hit like shit.”

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Roger Dorn = Barry Bonds

Jake Taylor: “What I was concerned with was why you didn’t come up with that grounder that Rockert hit in the 9th.”
Roger Dorn: “It was out of my reach, what do you want me to do, dive for it?”

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Rick Vaughn = Tim Lincecum

Lou Brown: “Forget about the curve ball Ricky, give him the heater.”

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Lou Brown = Bruce Bochy

Assistant Coach: [Vaughn has just given up a grand slam after walking three straight batters] “You want me to go get him?”
Lou Brown: “No, keep him in. Let’s see how he reacts.”
Lou Brown: [Vaughn hits the next batter] “Interesting.”

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Bay Area Stars Get Simpsonized

July 30, 2007

With the recent hubbub over The Simpsons Movie, we decided to take a page out of the Boston Globe’s book and applied the treasure trove of time-wasters, the Simpsonizer, to your favorite Bay Area superstars and ours, from Senor Bonds to Baron to Miss Jessica Alba and more…

Barry Bonds:

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Nick Swisher:

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Sports Hell, Part V: The Traitors

July 27, 2007

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The NBA ref betting scandal. The steroid mess. Dogfighting. It’s a terrible time to be a sports fan, so like we mentioned earlier, we’re taking a trip through sports hell, with the help of Dante.

Part I: The Lustful and The Gluttonous

Part II: The Prodigal, The Avaricious, The Wrathful and The Slothful

Part III: The Violent

Part IV: The Fraudulent

The ninth and final circle of hell enslaves the worst of the worst: the traitors. Each of the sinners in the deepest realm–and there aren’t many in the exclusive club–betrayed someone important to them. There are four sections, each progressively worse, with the nadir coming in the final section: those who betrayed benefactors. In Dante’s original, Judas (who betrayed Jesus) suffers with Brutus and Cassius (who betrayed Caesar).

Who will be our un-holy trinity?

Well, which three, ahem, big Bay Area stars betrayed their ultimate benefactor, the sport of baseball?

The Ninth Circle: The Traitors

To Kindred

  • Michael Vick: PETA just got mad on behalf of canines everywhere that we lowered dogs to Michael Vick’s kindred level.
  • Rae Carruth: Conspiring to kill your lady friend will get you on this list, unfortunately.
  • Orenthal James Simpson: If OJ did kill his wife, here’s the circle of hell we’d put him in.

Bay Area Reps:

  • The DeBartalo Family: Granted, they haven’t killed each other like the others here, but for heaven’s sake, can’t they get along? Bicker, bicker, bicker! Sue, sue, sue!

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Sports Hell, Part IV: The Fraudulent

July 26, 2007

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The NBA ref betting scandal. The steroid mess. Dogfighting. It’s a terrible time to be a sports fan, so like we mentioned earlier, we’re taking a trip through sports hell, with the help of Dante.

Part I: The Lustful and The Gluttonous

Part II: The Prodigal, The Avaricious, The Wrathful and The Slothful

Part III: The Violent

The penultimate circle of Dante’s inferno contains all types of frauds, as you’ll see. The thing that differentiates these sinners from the earlier ones is the use of reason to knowingly do, um, bad things. So no Mike Tyson.

The Eighth Circle: The Fraudulent

Panderers & Seducers:

  • Mark Chmura: “No judge, I do not know why I was in a hot tub with my 17-year-old babysitter at her prom party.”
  • Chris Henry: “No judge, I do not know why I served two underage girls lots of alcohol in a hotel room.”
  • Marcus Vick (Michael’s younger brother): “No judge, I do not know why this girl is suing me for $6.3 million because I had sex with her when she was 15.”

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Sports Hell, Part III: The Violent

July 25, 2007

The NBA ref betting scandal. The steroid mess. Dogfighting. It’s a terrible time to be a sports fan, so like we mentioned yesterday, we’re taking a trip through sports hell, with the help of Dante.

Part I: The Lustful and The Gluttonous

Part II: The Prodigal, The Avaricious, The Wrathful and The Slothful

Now we’re getting to the good stuff. After skipping the heretics–everyone in the sports world thanks god already–we’re headed straight for lucky number seven. For some reason, these guys seem the scariest to us. Here come the crazies!

The Seventh Circle: The Violent

Against People & Property:https://i1.wp.com/www.emptythebench.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/03/urbina1big.jpg

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Sports Hell, Part II: The Incontinent (Continued)

July 25, 2007

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The NBA ref betting scandal. The steroid mess. Dogfighting. It’s a terrible time to be a sports fan, so like we mentioned yesterday, we’re taking a trip through sports hell, with the help of Dante.

Earlier: Part I: The Lustful and The Gluttonous

In Dante’s version of hell, the deeper the circle, the worse the sin. With nine circles total, the first five circles are considered “outer hell,” because they are sins of incontinence, which for you mouth-breathers out there, means sins that result from an inability to control oneself (as opposed to more serious sins, as we’ll soon see). So, without any further ado, let’s hit circles four and five.

The Fourth Circle: The Prodigal and The Avaricious: those who wasted money and those who craved money.

The Prodigal:

  • Pacman Jones (above): Everytime he makes it rain–several times a night, every night–a child in Africa sheds a tear, which really dehydrates the little guys. (Note: actually we’re not really sure if Pacman should be in the “avaricious” category since his unwillingness to part with his $81,000 worth of, ahem, rain caused the whole Vegas melee in the first place. Either way, he’s here in this circle of hell.)
  • Scottie Pippen: He lost about $27 million in bad investments. Scottie, sell the Enron stock already!

The Avaricious:

  • Scott Boras: We suppose you could put nearly every sports agent in this category, but Boras is the poster child for crazy, overinflated contracts. Well, him and Jerry Maguire and Arli$$.

Bay Area Reps:

  • Don Nelson: Not saying he doesn’t deserve it, but he’s seeking out that cash at the risk of distrupting the best (only?) feel-good story of the NBA, not to mention the last decade of Golden State Warriordom.
  • Miguel Tejada, Jason Giambi, Julian Peterson, Gilbert Arenas: There are more, but these are the guys whose salary-based departures stung the most for us at the time.

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