Inmate Sues Barry Bonds, Bud Selig And Hank Aaron’s Bat

August 17, 2007

The above legal document–which comes to us via The Smoking Gun–is the August 13th federal lawsuit filed by Jonathan Lee Riches in the U.S. District Court in Indiana. Some of you may remember Riches from his earlier lawsuit against Michael Vick, in which he sued the troubled Falcon for $63 billion (and claimed that Vick stole his pit bulls, sold them on eBay and bought missiles from Iran with the dough).

The entire four-page document is hand-written because Riches is not allowed to have a typewriter in his South Carolina prison.

Before we present it in all its glory (it’s a must-read), here are some of our favorite gems from the actual lawsuit (spelling mistakes abound):

  • “Plaintiff seeks 42,000,000.00 million dollars in Swiss Francs, certified money order to the B.O.P. lockbox in Des Moines Iowa collectively from defendents.”
  • “Mr. Selig on 2 occations (Dec. 10th 2001, Feb 6th, 2003) met Mr. Bonds at the I-70 Steak N Shake, Booth #11, made an under the table cream exchange, needles, HGH…”
  • “Barry Bonds uses Hank Aaron’s corked bat during ballgames. The Bat has a secret chambers where barry stores his HGH supplements. Bonds takes them while he awaits in the batters Box. Bonds Left a voice mail message on my I-phone, made threats towards me.”
  • “Barry Bonds is responsible for getting me federally indicted in Houston Texas case #H-03-90, because I threatned to expose his and Bud Selig’s steroid/cocaine ABUSE.”
  • “I also witnessed Mr. Bonds selling steroids to nuns.”
  • “Mr. Bonds gave mustard gas to Saddam Hussein. Part of the oil for food scandal.”

The entire treat, post-jump.

Read the rest of this entry »


Oh My: Leave Barry Bonds A Voicemail

August 10, 2007 Bonds wants your congratulations.

Back on Tuesday night, didn’t you wish you could congratulate Barry Bonds on his record-breaking home run? Well, now you can. In a promotion on Bonds’ official website, you can leave him a voicemail by calling 866-281-4117.

So … we did it.

“Thanks for calling where you can leave your personal message for Barry. After you do, we’ll send a text message with what you said, a note from Barry and a password so you can access your note on the web. Is that ok?”

And then we hung up.

Just like Bud Selig.

And then we got this text message: “From Barry Bonds: Thank you for your support and for this message.”

Just like Bud Selig.

Congratulate Barry [, via Sports By Brooks]

Giants Roundup: We Welcome Our Joel Hanrahan Overlords

August 10, 2007
  • In the latest episode of the Giants’ inoffensive offense, our heroes managed one run off Joel Hanrahan. Dave Roberts left in the first inning with “a shin injury.” That is all. [ESPN]
  • Hank Aaron finally speaks. [ESPN]
  • So does the kid who caught the ball. And he just might keep it. [SI]
  • Head-scratcher of the day: Mark Sweeney to the Dodgers for a player to be named later (or cash). It’s the first trade in 22 years between the rivals and undoubtedly sets up the Dodgers’ bench for a World Series run this year. [SFGate]
  • Or maybe the trade was a reward for nice-guy Sweeney. [El Lefty Malo]
  • Trivia question: without looking at the article, can you name the last two players involved in a Giants-Dodgers trade?
  • Tim Kawakami interviews Brian Sabean, who blames himself for the mess called your 2007 San Francisco Giants. [SJ Mercury News, via McCovey Chronicles]
  • Jason Ellison continues to steal Barry Bonds’ spotlight. [McCovey Chronicles]
  • Barry Bonds’ helmet: bulbous and in the Hall. [SFist]
  • Barry-san is still 111 behind the real home run champ, Sadaharu Oh. [Deuce of Davenport]
  • Barry Bonds is the epitome of “a society looking for an edge.” [LA Times]
  • The Pittsburgh Pirates will pay tribute to Bonds when the two teams go to PNC for a doubleheader on Monday after a trio at Pac Bell. [The FanHouse]
  • The Sun explains when Moneyball stops working. We think Giants fans and Barry Estes might have a few timetables. [NY Sun]
  • Even better, Giants-hater Matt Morris (“I’m excited about getting back to the NL Central and getting some better defense and some young guys out there who are looking to play hard”) gets the ball tonight.
  • Trivia answer: Candy Maldonado and Alex Trevino.

Clip Of The Day: Don’t Ask Dale Murphy If He Wants Some HGH

August 9, 2007

A day after his inflammatory comments about Barry Bonds, steroid use and baseball, Dale Murphy appeared on KRON with your favorite KRON sports guy and ours, Gary Radnich.

In cased you missed it earlier this week, here’s just part of what Murphy had to say about Bonds and 756:

“He’s deserved all the negative publicity that he’s getting. I mean, people are calling up and complaining, I’ve heard the last few weeks, that that he’s being treated unfairly. You know, life just usually isn’t like that. You don’t usually get treated unfairly. You usually get what you deserve. This is what Barry deserves. He’s a hard guy to like. He’s a hard teammate to have and, you know, he’s set a terrible example for our kids.”

Like Radnich points out, Murphy should be applauded for speaking against “the boys’ club,” regardless whether or not you agree with his take on the situation.

Even more importantly, Murphy is actually doing something about the steroid problem in sports. He started the iWon’tCheat! foundation to try to combat the troubling fact that one million high school athletes used steroids last year. Bravo, Mr. Murphy.

iWon’tCheat! [Official Site]

Dale Murphy On Bonds: ‘A Terrible Example for Our Kids’ [The FanHouse]

Well, That’s That

August 8, 2007

No more “Bonds is up 7th next inning” updates.

No more Bud Selig appearances.

No more Pedro Gomez.

No more Erin Andrews.

Now sans distractions, the Giants can go on to win the division.

[Photo courtesy: SFGate/Lance Iversen]

An Open Letter To Allan Huber “Bud” Selig

August 6, 2007 Commissioner Selig,

We don’t “get” you.

Much like you, we consider ourselves to be a fan of the game, even a baseball purist if you will. Also like you, we are not thrilled by the way the record is being broken.

Because of all the questions–and answers–surrounding Barry’s chase, everyone from the fan to the commissioner has been put in a difficult position. With the media hovering constantly, you’ve also been under a lot of scrutiny. We understand this, but heavens Bud, after making such a hullaballo about whether or not you would attend the game, you finally made a decision after weeks/months of indecision, diplomatically saying it’s an important day for baseball.

Ok. Good decision. A decision. Sure, it took you months to do it, but you did it. Your childhood hero Hank Aaron took a hard stance and has maintained his distance from Bonds to this day. His actions speak louder than words. Bravo to him.

But Bud, why would you go to the game and then not even stand up? And then not clap? You looked like the pouting teenager on vacation with his parents. Someone had to goad you to leave your seat! We get your point: you’re not happy with Bonds. But why go then?

Would you have clapped if Padres pitcher Clay Hensley had thrown a no-hitter? We bet you would have, despite Hensley’s steroid-laden past.

Did you clap for Tony LaRussa when he won the World Series last year, despite his past with Canseco and McGwire?

Did you clap for Pudge Rodriguez when he led Detroit to the World Series last year?

Did you clap for Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa when they saved your job after you canceled the 1994 World Series?

We wouldn’t have faulted you if you skipped the game. Hell, we would have admired your hard stance. But you didn’t even give us a stance. Your “whaaa, what happened?” reaction while sitting in your press box with your hands in your pockets was just plain silly.

And now you’re done attending Bonds games? Can this get anymore childish?

We miss Fay Vincent. At least the man knows what he thinks about Bonds.


Say Hey

Jon Lovitz: Oddly Lucid

August 3, 2007

During last night’s Giants-Dodgers athletic contest, sideline reporter extraordinaire Erin Andrews interviewed Jon Lovitz during the game. Fresh off beating up Andy Dick, Lovitz was in a candid mood and actually made a lot of sense out of this steroids mess. We’re eagerly anticipating the Youtube version of this, but for now, Bugs & Cranks has a transcription of part of Lovitz’s rant:

“All this stuff about steroids is a bunch of a crap, you know.I know about seven years ago I spoke to a major baseball player in the league, and I said, ‘How many players do you think take steroids?’

And he said ‘Forty percent.’

And I’m not saying whether he [Bonds] took ‘em or not, all I’m saying is the league totally allowed it, you know.

And anyway, whether he did it or not. You figure out of all those players — 750 — three guys hit a lot of home runs. Three.

So obviously that’s three out of 300 taking it. And that’s not the difference. So, you got to work your ass off. The guy’s just a great hitter.“

At the conclusion of the interview soliloquy, Andrews said something along the lines of “Well, that’s that” and sent it back to Berman and Morgan in the booth, where they were both rendered speechless (and we thought that was impossible).

The moral of the story: Jon Lovitz makes plenty of sense out of this Bonds fiasco. And Erin Andrews is (still) hot.

Bonds = Perfect Role Model; Jon Lovitz Makes Most Intelligent Bonds Comment Since Chris Rock’s [Bugs & Cranks]

Wake Up with Erin Andrews [Barstool Sports]