Inmate Sues Barry Bonds, Bud Selig And Hank Aaron’s Bat

August 17, 2007

The above legal document–which comes to us via The Smoking Gun–is the August 13th federal lawsuit filed by Jonathan Lee Riches in the U.S. District Court in Indiana. Some of you may remember Riches from his earlier lawsuit against Michael Vick, in which he sued the troubled Falcon for $63 billion (and claimed that Vick stole his pit bulls, sold them on eBay and bought missiles from Iran with the dough).

The entire four-page document is hand-written because Riches is not allowed to have a typewriter in his South Carolina prison.

Before we present it in all its glory (it’s a must-read), here are some of our favorite gems from the actual lawsuit (spelling mistakes abound):

  • “Plaintiff seeks 42,000,000.00 million dollars in Swiss Francs, certified money order to the B.O.P. lockbox in Des Moines Iowa collectively from defendents.”
  • “Mr. Selig on 2 occations (Dec. 10th 2001, Feb 6th, 2003) met Mr. Bonds at the I-70 Steak N Shake, Booth #11, made an under the table cream exchange, needles, HGH…”
  • “Barry Bonds uses Hank Aaron’s corked bat during ballgames. The Bat has a secret chambers where barry stores his HGH supplements. Bonds takes them while he awaits in the batters Box. Bonds Left a voice mail message on my I-phone, made threats towards me.”
  • “Barry Bonds is responsible for getting me federally indicted in Houston Texas case #H-03-90, because I threatned to expose his and Bud Selig’s steroid/cocaine ABUSE.”
  • “I also witnessed Mr. Bonds selling steroids to nuns.”
  • “Mr. Bonds gave mustard gas to Saddam Hussein. Part of the oil for food scandal.”

The entire treat, post-jump.

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Sports Hell, Part III: The Violent

July 25, 2007

The NBA ref betting scandal. The steroid mess. Dogfighting. It’s a terrible time to be a sports fan, so like we mentioned yesterday, we’re taking a trip through sports hell, with the help of Dante.

Part I: The Lustful and The Gluttonous

Part II: The Prodigal, The Avaricious, The Wrathful and The Slothful

Now we’re getting to the good stuff. After skipping the heretics–everyone in the sports world thanks god already–we’re headed straight for lucky number seven. For some reason, these guys seem the scariest to us. Here come the crazies!

The Seventh Circle: The Violent

Against People & Property:

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Clip Of The Day: Big Wheels! Marvin Benard’s Whereabouts Finally Unearthed!

July 18, 2007

We hope you enjoy this video of a Big Wheels race down Lombard Street. Don’t lie; you know you’ve always wanted to try it yourself.

In many ways, this is the perfect metaphor for both Bay Area teams’ 2007 seasons, rife with twists and turns that everyone saw coming: Rich Harden injured. Milton Bradley a menace. Barry Bonds old. Barry Zito overpaid. Mike Piazza useless. Armando Benitez awful.

Also, it’s all downhill.

Byron Houston Is Incorrigible

June 15, 2007

Byron Houston

You remember former Warrior Byron Houston, and if you don’t, you most certainly will now.

A couple weeks ago, we did a “Whatever Happened To …” on Mr. Houston. We reminisced about his disappointing career with the Warriors, his even more disappointing career in the Phillippine Basketball Association with the Sunkist Orange Juicers and Swift Mighty Meaties, and finally, his totally unfair dismissal from a children’s basketball camp (sex offenders can’t instruct children? whaaa?).

Last night, Mr. Houston was arrested once more on an indecent exposure charge:

A woman called police around 5:45 p.m. Wednesday to report that a man was masturbating at an intersection in northwestern Oklahoma City, police Master Sgt. Gary Knight said. Officers found Houston in the driver’s seat of a vehicle with his underwear on the floorboard, and the woman positively identified him, Knight said.

Hey, what else is Byron Houston going to do at 5:45 on a Thursday evening in Oklahoma?

We’d make some other joke, but that is one scary mugshot (is that a chain around his neck or a tattoo of a chain?)

Byron Houston arrested for exposure [SI]

Earlier: Nostalgia: Whatever Happened To … Byron Houston? [Say Hey]

Nostalgia: Before TO, There Was Just Terrell

June 12, 2007

You know, we were looking for something Niners-related to satiate your thirst for football during this offseason. We thought about something Joe Montana related. Ronnie Lott is always good for some entertainment. Harris Barton could always tell a mean yarn.

But then we remembered the halcyon days when a certain young, hardworking wide receiver Terrell Owens was quickly emerging from the shadow of John Taylor and JJ Stokes as the secondary receiver to Jerry Rice. It seems so long ago, doesn’t it?

Of course, looking back, Owens eventually eclipsed Rice as the receiving star on the Niners, and no moment in time better captures the changing of the guard like the Niners’ epic first round upset over the Packers. Rice had fumbled his only catch of the game earlier on the drive. Even the announcers expected Young to go to Rice. But it was Terrell Owens.

Consider this the catch that gave birth to the entity known as TO.

Rasheed Wallace Needs To Be A Golden State Warrior

June 5, 2007

The Warriors’ offseason needs have been well-publicized on this blog and others, and with the Detroit Pistons’ recent implosion at the hands of the Cleveland Lebrons, we’d like to propose a trade that involves bringing Rasheed Wallace to the Golden State Warriors.

From the Pistons’ point of view, consider Bill Simmons’ take on the state of the former world champions:

Clearly, they need to move Chauncey Billups and Rasheed Wallace — both of whom should have significant value to younger teams looking for one veteran to get them over the hump — then build around Hamilton (who has a team-friendly contract), Tayshaun Prince (ditto), Jason Maxiell, Amir Johnson (major sleeper), the 15th pick in the 2007 draft and whatever they can get for Billups and ‘Sheed (whether it’s young players, picks or cap space). It’s the only move.

Rasheed would give the Warriors exactly what they need. Alongside Biedrins, the Warriors would have a legit frontline. Nellie can go small if need be as well, since Rasheed can easily slide over to center, as he did this year. Rasheed is an excellent defender who can finish and can shoot the three. He would fit in perfectly.

The obvious choice to be moved is Michigan-native Jason Richardson, who can be traded straight up for ‘Sheed (salary-wise), but the Pistons are pretty set at the two and three positions, with Richard Hamilton and Tayshaun Prince signed to reasonable long-term deals. So, the main candidates become Al Harrington or a resigned Mickael Pietrus, packaged together with a Patrick O’Bryant or Monta Ellis.

A package of Pietrus and Ellis for Rasheed seems like it could benefit both teams. The Pistons get a shakeup with some much-needed youth and athleticism, while the Warriors get a big man who can defend and rebound in a system like Nellie’s.

Added bonus: oh, just think of the entertainment value of having Stephen Jackson and Rasheed Wallace on the court together for 82+ games. It’s a locker room conversation gold mine!

Please let this happen.

Ladies And Gentlemen, Representing Giants Fans Everywhere …

May 31, 2007

With all the hype that Warriors fans received during the magical Cinderella playoff run, it’s really just a shame that this video has gone national, giving Giants fans everywhere a reason to put their collective heads in their hands.

[via The FanHouse]